I am marrying a “Family Boy”
I love this term, it makes me laugh.
You see back in India there is a little village, and guess what? My man and I can both be traced back to that exact village.
In fact, we are actually kind of related on my Dad’s Mother’s side of the family.
It makes me feel weird when I think about it, because he is like a distant cousin or something, but then I realize that all Muslims are related because they have been doing these weird business transactions for eons.
You know what I mean? The whole, I marry your daughter to my son because its good for business.
Thankfully society has evolved somewhat since then, and majority of people marry for love. Like my parents. Who still love each other very much till today.
When I met my Fiancé, I had no idea that he was a “Family Boy”. I just looked at him and thought, hmmm, nice lips. And those eyes, oh my word!
It wasn’t all lust, he was also nice to talk to and easy to get along with, even if he did lie and tell me that he likes sushi when he so doesn’t!
On our first date I just knew I was going to marry him. It’s one of those things that you cannot explain to anyone. You just know, and for the first time in my life I had no doubts that this was it.
I am not saying that he is perfect or our relationship is perfect, it’s just a case of I am willing to go through the tough times with him.
But maybe luck was on my side because he was also the type of guy that I should have been marrying anyway.
When we found out with this weird relationship between our families that spans many decades, we laughed.
It was highly ironic. Me. The girl that so far removed from conforming to any ideal had in fact done something that people wanted me to do anyway.
This pissed the Gossip Mongers off further. Because I was never “Marriage Material”, so how did I get so lucky?
And all I have to say is: “Get over yourself!”
I would marry this man even if he was a Chinese pheasant who couldn’t even grow a good crop of rice.
Because, who his family is does not define who he is.
We both have values and beliefs that are our own. And we are connected by these values and beliefs.
Showing posts with label Muslim. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Muslim. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
The lead up to the Engagement
The reason that I had to mention Ring Choosing Day and what it meant to me is because the next few weeks were really tough.
The planning of the engagement had commenced.
I gave my mum the freedom to do as she pleases. Because I trust mum and I know that she has great taste.
However it seems that everyone wanted to be involved suddenly and I let it be. I mean, I don’t mind that people want to get involved.
It was just that I so use to it being just me and my mum. Whenever there was any event at our house, we did it together.
It was overwhelming how excited everyone was about me getting engaged.
All this made me realize that no matter how I felt about things, or how I viewed life, or even what I stood for.
To the community I came from this was the biggest moment of my life, and they all wanted to be apart of it.
It’s strange but everyone wants a piece of the excitement.
I also know that I upset certain individuals. I mean how dare I ruin their favourite piece of gossip????
You see, I was 27 years old. And in Indian terms I was no longer even on the shelf. I was in the expiry bin!
And to add to it, I travel around the country with men! Alone!
I even stayed on my own for a while.
In other words, I was not the good muslim girl that decent boys marry.
And here I go and marry a guy from a good family. Who is also oh so handsome (Well to me anyway)
This was definitely a case of them getting egg on their face.
The sad truth was that I couldn’t even enjoy this tiny victory. The reason being that I just found it all so sad.
I don’t even find myself that interesting! And here I was the new topic of conversation and suddenly everyone wanted to know all the details of how we met etc
And here I was wondering how a simple conversation one Sunday night could cause so much to happen.
I suddenly understand why some people elope
The planning of the engagement had commenced.
I gave my mum the freedom to do as she pleases. Because I trust mum and I know that she has great taste.
However it seems that everyone wanted to be involved suddenly and I let it be. I mean, I don’t mind that people want to get involved.
It was just that I so use to it being just me and my mum. Whenever there was any event at our house, we did it together.
It was overwhelming how excited everyone was about me getting engaged.
All this made me realize that no matter how I felt about things, or how I viewed life, or even what I stood for.
To the community I came from this was the biggest moment of my life, and they all wanted to be apart of it.
It’s strange but everyone wants a piece of the excitement.
I also know that I upset certain individuals. I mean how dare I ruin their favourite piece of gossip????
You see, I was 27 years old. And in Indian terms I was no longer even on the shelf. I was in the expiry bin!
And to add to it, I travel around the country with men! Alone!
I even stayed on my own for a while.
In other words, I was not the good muslim girl that decent boys marry.
And here I go and marry a guy from a good family. Who is also oh so handsome (Well to me anyway)
This was definitely a case of them getting egg on their face.
The sad truth was that I couldn’t even enjoy this tiny victory. The reason being that I just found it all so sad.
I don’t even find myself that interesting! And here I was the new topic of conversation and suddenly everyone wanted to know all the details of how we met etc
And here I was wondering how a simple conversation one Sunday night could cause so much to happen.
I suddenly understand why some people elope
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Proposal
The way it works in Muslim Culture is that once a guy has an intention of marrying a girl, his family has to call her family and ask for her hand in marriage.
My Fiancé and I decided that we wanted to do things traditionally, because it would bring our family much joy. And I just found it all terribly romantic.
So after he asked me to marry him. Ok that’s a lie. We were hanging out and he said: "If I could marry you now, I would", and I said: "Ok, let's do it"
There was no ring and one knee scenario, but it felt all so perfect. So sincere and uncomplicated. Kind of a testament to our relationship. We have a very relaxed way of relating to each other. Its not dramatic, its just easy going and natural.
Anyway, once we both decided to get married, he went home and told his mum that she needs to make the call to mum to come over for a proposal.
I told my parents that they could expect the call. Our families were obviously extremely happy. We thankfully do not have any family issues. His parents like me and my parents like him.
At this point, I knew that we were lucky, we had a great base for a happy marriage because we have everyone's blessings.
It was a Monday when the phone call happened. My Fiancé sms'd me to say that my mum could expect the call. I was sitting on the couch next to my dad when my mum chatted on the phone to his mum. And I Remember it being extremely bitter sweet. The date was set for that Friday evening for them to come for my hand.
And that was the moment it started.
Enter Family Politics.
Tradition dictates that your grandparents, parents and siblings should be present.
I only have one grandmother left on the planet. My dad's mother. My other grandparents have already left us.
So this means that my parents had to ask their oldest brother. Both my parents only had one brother, so they each asked them to attend. In view of my mother not having her mother around, she asked her oldest sister. So to even the score, my dad asked his oldest sister.
It was all so complicated.
I mean, suddenly you have to have all this diplomacy. Other family members were slightly upset that they were not asked. And the wives of the brothers were not invited so that was a sore subject.
I was trying to figure out why it mattered so much to people to be involved in this?
Friday arrived and I was all made up in a beautiful baby pink and baby blue Panjabi (Indian Dress and pants…Skinny pants of course). It even had sparkly beads on it. I have never shone - literally - in my entire life. I am more a simple elegant type. But I felt like an Indian Bride, and it was pretty cool.
That’s when the freaking out started. I was like: "Oh my God! I am getting married! What if I am making the wrong choice!" etc etc
Eventually I calmed down, and went out to see what everyone was doing.
I was told that by my aunt to sit in my room until I was called. I was like: "Why????"
We already knew each other! It wasn't like it was some weird arranged marriage.
It was made clear to just do as I was told, so I admitted defeat and went to ponder in my room why I had to wait.
On cue, my cellphone rings and its my future husband. I answer and he says: "Babe, I am outside". So I reply, "That’s nice, I was told I cat leave my room, so someone will come get you". He responds by laughing at me and saying "Someone made you do something!".
I hate being told what to do.
Everyone arrives and is introduces and then I am accompanied to the lounge to be introduced to his entourage.
We are then seated separately. Men seated in the dining room. Ladies seated in the lounge.
This was starting to feel like the twilight zone.
Every time I wanted to pull a funny face, I just thought of my pretty hair comb and that made me smile!
So they all talk about pointless stuff. Like whose son is marrying who and which kid went off to university. And which old people are sick or who gave birth. blah blah blah. It was so boring, I almost fell asleep.
Within 5 minutes of being seated on the couch, I had decided this was not an audience that would appreciate my wit and intellect. So I stayed silent, and observed.
My mother and I kept glancing at each other, with that silent language mothers and daughters have. We were both thinking: "These people are so....mundane"
I was asked what I do. I said I work in TV production. I got some blank stares and then asked "Do you work for SABC?"
I replied and explained that I worked for independent production companies and covered all the different broadcasters at some point.
More blanks stares and a drawn out reply of "Oh, I see"
You have to understand, there are very few awe inspiring careers in the Indian community namely:
1 - Doctor (Also includes Dentists, Optometrists, Physiotherapists and speech therapists)
2 - Lawyer
3 - Accountant (As well as anything finance or business related)
4 - Teacher
5 - IT (All areas) which is a recent addition to the list
Forgive me if I forgot something, but let’s just say that Film Makers do not feature. And neither does anything in the Arts with the exception of maybe Journalists.
My Fiancé looked as baffled as me through all of this. He kept signaling to me across the great divide. The plus side is that we have now developed our own version of sign language.
Eventually I had enough, and had to escape for a few minutes, so I said I needed water and would get it myself.
My brother caught me on the way to the kitchen and laughing himself silly told me while I was sitting on the couch, I looked like I was on the menu.
And you know what? That’s how I felt. Like I was on display. What a bizarre experience.
Eventually they all ate their pies, samoosa’s and other fried stuff, followed by cake and teas.
I attempted commenting on a current issue only to get more blank stares. Gave up completely and drank my mango juice, which was really delicious.
So the talking happened and they decided we would have an engagement and my parents would come back with a date.
My mum suggested some photo’s be taken and we finally got to sit next to each other. Everyone took a pic with us and now that we were allowed to be together we chatted about how it weird it all was.
He also told me that he never imagined me wearing something so shiny.
Then his family left
My family argued lightly about a date for the engagement, and then everyone went home.
We both changed our Facebook status to being in a relationship with each other that night. I was not into changing my relationship Status every time I got involved with a new guy. So it had been blank till then.
That was cool moment for me. A commitment. To say, he is my man!
When falling asleep that night, I felt like I was Alice sliding down the rabbit hole
My Fiancé and I decided that we wanted to do things traditionally, because it would bring our family much joy. And I just found it all terribly romantic.
So after he asked me to marry him. Ok that’s a lie. We were hanging out and he said: "If I could marry you now, I would", and I said: "Ok, let's do it"
There was no ring and one knee scenario, but it felt all so perfect. So sincere and uncomplicated. Kind of a testament to our relationship. We have a very relaxed way of relating to each other. Its not dramatic, its just easy going and natural.
Anyway, once we both decided to get married, he went home and told his mum that she needs to make the call to mum to come over for a proposal.
I told my parents that they could expect the call. Our families were obviously extremely happy. We thankfully do not have any family issues. His parents like me and my parents like him.
At this point, I knew that we were lucky, we had a great base for a happy marriage because we have everyone's blessings.
It was a Monday when the phone call happened. My Fiancé sms'd me to say that my mum could expect the call. I was sitting on the couch next to my dad when my mum chatted on the phone to his mum. And I Remember it being extremely bitter sweet. The date was set for that Friday evening for them to come for my hand.
And that was the moment it started.
Enter Family Politics.
Tradition dictates that your grandparents, parents and siblings should be present.
I only have one grandmother left on the planet. My dad's mother. My other grandparents have already left us.
So this means that my parents had to ask their oldest brother. Both my parents only had one brother, so they each asked them to attend. In view of my mother not having her mother around, she asked her oldest sister. So to even the score, my dad asked his oldest sister.
It was all so complicated.
I mean, suddenly you have to have all this diplomacy. Other family members were slightly upset that they were not asked. And the wives of the brothers were not invited so that was a sore subject.
I was trying to figure out why it mattered so much to people to be involved in this?
Friday arrived and I was all made up in a beautiful baby pink and baby blue Panjabi (Indian Dress and pants…Skinny pants of course). It even had sparkly beads on it. I have never shone - literally - in my entire life. I am more a simple elegant type. But I felt like an Indian Bride, and it was pretty cool.
That’s when the freaking out started. I was like: "Oh my God! I am getting married! What if I am making the wrong choice!" etc etc
Eventually I calmed down, and went out to see what everyone was doing.
I was told that by my aunt to sit in my room until I was called. I was like: "Why????"
We already knew each other! It wasn't like it was some weird arranged marriage.
It was made clear to just do as I was told, so I admitted defeat and went to ponder in my room why I had to wait.
On cue, my cellphone rings and its my future husband. I answer and he says: "Babe, I am outside". So I reply, "That’s nice, I was told I cat leave my room, so someone will come get you". He responds by laughing at me and saying "Someone made you do something!".
I hate being told what to do.
Everyone arrives and is introduces and then I am accompanied to the lounge to be introduced to his entourage.
We are then seated separately. Men seated in the dining room. Ladies seated in the lounge.
This was starting to feel like the twilight zone.
Every time I wanted to pull a funny face, I just thought of my pretty hair comb and that made me smile!
So they all talk about pointless stuff. Like whose son is marrying who and which kid went off to university. And which old people are sick or who gave birth. blah blah blah. It was so boring, I almost fell asleep.
Within 5 minutes of being seated on the couch, I had decided this was not an audience that would appreciate my wit and intellect. So I stayed silent, and observed.
My mother and I kept glancing at each other, with that silent language mothers and daughters have. We were both thinking: "These people are so....mundane"
I was asked what I do. I said I work in TV production. I got some blank stares and then asked "Do you work for SABC?"
I replied and explained that I worked for independent production companies and covered all the different broadcasters at some point.
More blanks stares and a drawn out reply of "Oh, I see"
You have to understand, there are very few awe inspiring careers in the Indian community namely:
1 - Doctor (Also includes Dentists, Optometrists, Physiotherapists and speech therapists)
2 - Lawyer
3 - Accountant (As well as anything finance or business related)
4 - Teacher
5 - IT (All areas) which is a recent addition to the list
Forgive me if I forgot something, but let’s just say that Film Makers do not feature. And neither does anything in the Arts with the exception of maybe Journalists.
My Fiancé looked as baffled as me through all of this. He kept signaling to me across the great divide. The plus side is that we have now developed our own version of sign language.
Eventually I had enough, and had to escape for a few minutes, so I said I needed water and would get it myself.
My brother caught me on the way to the kitchen and laughing himself silly told me while I was sitting on the couch, I looked like I was on the menu.
And you know what? That’s how I felt. Like I was on display. What a bizarre experience.
Eventually they all ate their pies, samoosa’s and other fried stuff, followed by cake and teas.
I attempted commenting on a current issue only to get more blank stares. Gave up completely and drank my mango juice, which was really delicious.
So the talking happened and they decided we would have an engagement and my parents would come back with a date.
My mum suggested some photo’s be taken and we finally got to sit next to each other. Everyone took a pic with us and now that we were allowed to be together we chatted about how it weird it all was.
He also told me that he never imagined me wearing something so shiny.
Then his family left
My family argued lightly about a date for the engagement, and then everyone went home.
We both changed our Facebook status to being in a relationship with each other that night. I was not into changing my relationship Status every time I got involved with a new guy. So it had been blank till then.
That was cool moment for me. A commitment. To say, he is my man!
When falling asleep that night, I felt like I was Alice sliding down the rabbit hole
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
How it all began
Once upon a time my parents packed up their belongings and moved away from the Indian Community into a more affluent suburb.
I was 12 years old at the time
15 years later I met an amazing man who asked me to marry him, I said yes.
Except...........
15 years is a long time period of time and I forgot all about Indian Culture. And Muslim Culture.
It is a weird combination at the best of times. I mean, they don't even know which is which anymore.
But let's just say that it had the same effect on me that one might feel whne standing a beautiful frozen pond looking out at the sunset and suddenly the ice cracks and you plunged into ice cold water.
You see I never really ever thought that it would be such a shock to the system. I had seen my family, visited my grandmother in the Indian Community we had once lived in. Attended all family functions etc. So I thought I was in tune with how it all worked. But in truth I was very much out of it.
So this is my story. Of my Indian Muslim Wedding and how I will survive it.
Because even if no one ever reads it, at least it will keep me sane
I was 12 years old at the time
15 years later I met an amazing man who asked me to marry him, I said yes.
Except...........
15 years is a long time period of time and I forgot all about Indian Culture. And Muslim Culture.
It is a weird combination at the best of times. I mean, they don't even know which is which anymore.
But let's just say that it had the same effect on me that one might feel whne standing a beautiful frozen pond looking out at the sunset and suddenly the ice cracks and you plunged into ice cold water.
You see I never really ever thought that it would be such a shock to the system. I had seen my family, visited my grandmother in the Indian Community we had once lived in. Attended all family functions etc. So I thought I was in tune with how it all worked. But in truth I was very much out of it.
So this is my story. Of my Indian Muslim Wedding and how I will survive it.
Because even if no one ever reads it, at least it will keep me sane
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