So my best friend has pointed out something important,
Its like, October, November, December, Wedding!
I then realized maybe I should up the planning a little, I don’t think that I realized I am getting married yet. Think it has something to do with not having a dress or anything…….or having seen a simple table setting as yet.
The weird thing is that it feels like some sort of game, but next thing I know I will be married and will have to travel a long way to work everyday since I am being exiled to Indian Community that is my point of origin.
Ok, its not an exile really, but in my plight to be compromising and adjusting to this whole Indian Diplomacy thing, I have agreed to stay in that damned place while we find a house to buy.
So this may be the source of my “Ostrich with its head in the sand” scenario. Maybe I don’t want to face the thought of leaving my comfy little invisible life in the suburbs, where I merrily go along doing as I please, and can reach any social gathering point in about 20 minutes.
Now I need to re-adjust to traveling like 45 mins to anywhere interesting.
I think its time to equip myself for battle with the invasive aunties and gossip mongers and general stupidity. Oh how I shall miss those that know who the Sectary General of the UN is!
While I know its temporary, its still a huge challenge for me.
So now that I am accepting my fate, I am also realizing that I seriously need to get started on the planning.
To a certain degree this anxiety over the exile is making the excitement factor lessen considerably, because final destination is a fearful one.
Oh the joy of being apart of the strangest community on earth! It’s all about other people at the end of it!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Gold
My mum and dad are in India and then off to Dubai to do some shopping for the wedding, and while searching for a supplier to do the wedding invitations, they discover the root of the Midas Touch Syndrome.
You see the stereotypical Indian has a problem, they obsessed with Gold. Like every event, outfit or piece of jewellery that they touch, turns to Gold.
I think it’s the reason I stay clear of Gold, especially really yellow Gold.
So mum and dad in their plight to find white and silver invites discover that they don’t really have stuff with silver in it.
In fact when requesting silver, they received baffled looks and get told, there is lots of Gold paired with any colour you can imagine! The store owner cannot understand why anyone would not want Gold on their invites.
And so when going back to your roots, you discover that culture doesn’t die, even when you move to Africa.
You see the stereotypical Indian has a problem, they obsessed with Gold. Like every event, outfit or piece of jewellery that they touch, turns to Gold.
I think it’s the reason I stay clear of Gold, especially really yellow Gold.
So mum and dad in their plight to find white and silver invites discover that they don’t really have stuff with silver in it.
In fact when requesting silver, they received baffled looks and get told, there is lots of Gold paired with any colour you can imagine! The store owner cannot understand why anyone would not want Gold on their invites.
And so when going back to your roots, you discover that culture doesn’t die, even when you move to Africa.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Alien Invasion
So apparently the Indian community has a way to go in the evolution of broader thinking.
There is a new question that my mother gets asked recently:
Is your daughter going to work after she gets married?
My mum usually looks at them strangely and replies: yeeesss……
I am unsure what this is all about, but my assumptions are
1. Careers are something that you do to keep busy while looking for a husband
2. Careers are a good way to find a husband
3. Marriage is a career change
4. When married your career is no longer important
It really makes me soooo angry. Like so angry I want to shake them and ask them if they are aware of what century we live in
I hate that people don’t take my career or me seriously. I know that whether we buy a house or a car or anything, they will congratulate the guy on it. It is unfair because the working wife played a role in getting it.
I really want to go back to hiding under my rock, being that girl that they use to pity because I didn’t have a husband and kids. They could keep their stretchmarks thank you!
Now they trying to make me one of them! Like an creepy alien movie where they take over your mind!
I would rather saw off my left arm with a plastic teaspoon than become some complacent female.
Girl Power all the way! Till I croak actually!
There is a new question that my mother gets asked recently:
Is your daughter going to work after she gets married?
My mum usually looks at them strangely and replies: yeeesss……
I am unsure what this is all about, but my assumptions are
1. Careers are something that you do to keep busy while looking for a husband
2. Careers are a good way to find a husband
3. Marriage is a career change
4. When married your career is no longer important
It really makes me soooo angry. Like so angry I want to shake them and ask them if they are aware of what century we live in
I hate that people don’t take my career or me seriously. I know that whether we buy a house or a car or anything, they will congratulate the guy on it. It is unfair because the working wife played a role in getting it.
I really want to go back to hiding under my rock, being that girl that they use to pity because I didn’t have a husband and kids. They could keep their stretchmarks thank you!
Now they trying to make me one of them! Like an creepy alien movie where they take over your mind!
I would rather saw off my left arm with a plastic teaspoon than become some complacent female.
Girl Power all the way! Till I croak actually!
Bunnies on a Pole
The last few weeks have not been all doom and gloom
It was my Fiancé’s birthday and I tried to create some romance is our relationship since life has become dull between the fasting, work and my wedding.
I also had my bridal shower, which seriously rocked. It was all a girl could ask for, and I wanted to do it again the next day. I also received about a zillion gifts!
The theme was the Girls of the Playboy mansion and they given Boa Feathers & Bunny ears and all I saw was pink and black, add fishnets and short skirts and push up bra's. It was a sight!
The pole dancing and lap dancing lessons were really a hit with the girls that attended and everyone was keen on playing along.
I could not thank my mum enough for it.
The funny thing was that we were meant to do a girls thing after, and after much change of plan, I landed up having drinks with my two oldest friends. It was totally like coming full circle
Ten years ago we finished school, and now here we are, all grown up, and me getting married.
My one friend and I had drifted apart the last few years and there was some tension there.
Then my dad said to me recently that its time to make peace, so I did and I am glad she is back in my life.
Its strange, even though we had a tiff and were not really speaking, not even on Facebook, its like that drinks event was completely natural.
There were some tears at the bridal shower when I had to light everyone’s candles and they had to give me a message. She was all super emotional and so were most of my friends. It was really bittersweet.
I am so blessed to have so many people that care about me
It was my Fiancé’s birthday and I tried to create some romance is our relationship since life has become dull between the fasting, work and my wedding.
I also had my bridal shower, which seriously rocked. It was all a girl could ask for, and I wanted to do it again the next day. I also received about a zillion gifts!
The theme was the Girls of the Playboy mansion and they given Boa Feathers & Bunny ears and all I saw was pink and black, add fishnets and short skirts and push up bra's. It was a sight!
The pole dancing and lap dancing lessons were really a hit with the girls that attended and everyone was keen on playing along.
I could not thank my mum enough for it.
The funny thing was that we were meant to do a girls thing after, and after much change of plan, I landed up having drinks with my two oldest friends. It was totally like coming full circle
Ten years ago we finished school, and now here we are, all grown up, and me getting married.
My one friend and I had drifted apart the last few years and there was some tension there.
Then my dad said to me recently that its time to make peace, so I did and I am glad she is back in my life.
Its strange, even though we had a tiff and were not really speaking, not even on Facebook, its like that drinks event was completely natural.
There were some tears at the bridal shower when I had to light everyone’s candles and they had to give me a message. She was all super emotional and so were most of my friends. It was really bittersweet.
I am so blessed to have so many people that care about me
Censor yourself for the sake of peace
I really suck at censoring myself,
I am so brutally honest that some people are actually taken aback by it.
My best friend loves me for it, because she says that while other people tell you what they think you want to hear, but I always tell her the truth.
I am generally really transparent, take it or leave it. I cannot spend my life being something I am not.
Writing is my outlet. I can express myself better through writing than talking.
The worst thing that could happen to me was not being able to write anymore.
I have been really struggling lately because sometimes honesty is not something that people can deal with.
I can’t say it and I can’t write about it.
I am bordering on loosing my mind.
It seems I have entered into the land of diplomacy.
Man do I hate Indians sometimes, they all about not “disappointing” people or “upsetting” people.
All I have to say to that is that people should not have expectations in the first bloody place. Like stop basing your happiness on other people’s actions. How about just stepping back and letting people be happy?
My parents have done me a disfavor in some ways. They always ask us what we want first before they consider others. They are not into the pleasing people thing. Well sometimes my dad stops us from taking it too far because he reminds us that people will not understand our actions.
My mum did not invite her uncle to my wedding because both he and his wife are embarrassing and have no class at all. My mum said she just can’t deal with them, and they don’t factor into her life anyway.
I am not kidding ,this woman takes biscuits and fruit and other stuff at weddings and hides it in her bag, She also tells the longest most disjointed stories you have ever heard. She also once took an entire centerpiece off a table at a wedding and someone to run after her to get it back.
That is how little they care about what people think. The problem with this is that you forget that not everyone is like you.
So my life is starting to seem a bit like the twilight zone, with theme song and all.
I am stuck swallowing my emotions and biting my tongue and watching people make the strangest decisions that make no sense to me. And I am just going with it because what I do know is that while I have no control over what other people do, I do have control over how I act and what I feel.
If no one else is going to inject some normalcy into the situation I guess I will have to.
The worst part is that I am stuck between two different worlds and trying to make everyone happy, but its failing miserably. All I have is lots of tension and some bafflement from certain parties.
I just wish I could make everyone happy, but I know that is their job.
We all make choices and if we complain about our situation, we need to look at the choices that we are making. That is the best advice I can give. You are the master of your own life.
Whoever lied and said this is the happiest time of your life was not Indian, that’s a certainty.
I am so brutally honest that some people are actually taken aback by it.
My best friend loves me for it, because she says that while other people tell you what they think you want to hear, but I always tell her the truth.
I am generally really transparent, take it or leave it. I cannot spend my life being something I am not.
Writing is my outlet. I can express myself better through writing than talking.
The worst thing that could happen to me was not being able to write anymore.
I have been really struggling lately because sometimes honesty is not something that people can deal with.
I can’t say it and I can’t write about it.
I am bordering on loosing my mind.
It seems I have entered into the land of diplomacy.
Man do I hate Indians sometimes, they all about not “disappointing” people or “upsetting” people.
All I have to say to that is that people should not have expectations in the first bloody place. Like stop basing your happiness on other people’s actions. How about just stepping back and letting people be happy?
My parents have done me a disfavor in some ways. They always ask us what we want first before they consider others. They are not into the pleasing people thing. Well sometimes my dad stops us from taking it too far because he reminds us that people will not understand our actions.
My mum did not invite her uncle to my wedding because both he and his wife are embarrassing and have no class at all. My mum said she just can’t deal with them, and they don’t factor into her life anyway.
I am not kidding ,this woman takes biscuits and fruit and other stuff at weddings and hides it in her bag, She also tells the longest most disjointed stories you have ever heard. She also once took an entire centerpiece off a table at a wedding and someone to run after her to get it back.
That is how little they care about what people think. The problem with this is that you forget that not everyone is like you.
So my life is starting to seem a bit like the twilight zone, with theme song and all.
I am stuck swallowing my emotions and biting my tongue and watching people make the strangest decisions that make no sense to me. And I am just going with it because what I do know is that while I have no control over what other people do, I do have control over how I act and what I feel.
If no one else is going to inject some normalcy into the situation I guess I will have to.
The worst part is that I am stuck between two different worlds and trying to make everyone happy, but its failing miserably. All I have is lots of tension and some bafflement from certain parties.
I just wish I could make everyone happy, but I know that is their job.
We all make choices and if we complain about our situation, we need to look at the choices that we are making. That is the best advice I can give. You are the master of your own life.
Whoever lied and said this is the happiest time of your life was not Indian, that’s a certainty.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Zombie Girl Returns
So I am no longer a walking zombie
Eid has arrived and Ramadhaan is over. For those of you that do not know what Ramadhaan is, it is the holy month where all Muslim’s dry fast from sunrise to sunset for 30 days. Eid is the day that we celebrate the end of the fast by spending time with family and having a feast
It takes it toll, and I am back into my normal routine.
So this year Eid was an interesting experience, because it was my last fast with my family. It was very bittersweet.
Since there have been so many deaths this year, it is tradition for us to visit the funeral houses on Eid to pay your respects to the family. We were on our way to one such house when got stuck because a truck with a trailer that contained a small bull. I named him Patrick. Patrick was being dragged around by this truck with a smelly exhaust look really unhappy on his bumpy ride.
I got thinking while we drove very slowly behind poor Patrick the Bull. This is it for me, my life is about to change forever. I won’t be my daddy’s little girl every Eid and mess about with my brothers while getting done, and have my little bro in my room using the hair iron while we achieve awesome hairdo’s. Or my other brother coming to ask me if his jeans look ok with that shirt.
I will miss the banter. Patrick seemed to understand my pain because he was a baby bull being taken away from his parents and sent off to probably pro-create with some cow. So much pressure I tell you.
I am about to be a wife in 4 months. And I will not be able to hide behind my mum and dad anymore. And even when I do visit, it will not be my home any longer.
I will miss my family very much, but I am excited about being with my boo for a long time.
Patrick eventually took a turn, and we sped off to our destination, and my dad said something funny and I smiled because I knew that these moments were precious.
Eid has arrived and Ramadhaan is over. For those of you that do not know what Ramadhaan is, it is the holy month where all Muslim’s dry fast from sunrise to sunset for 30 days. Eid is the day that we celebrate the end of the fast by spending time with family and having a feast
It takes it toll, and I am back into my normal routine.
So this year Eid was an interesting experience, because it was my last fast with my family. It was very bittersweet.
Since there have been so many deaths this year, it is tradition for us to visit the funeral houses on Eid to pay your respects to the family. We were on our way to one such house when got stuck because a truck with a trailer that contained a small bull. I named him Patrick. Patrick was being dragged around by this truck with a smelly exhaust look really unhappy on his bumpy ride.
I got thinking while we drove very slowly behind poor Patrick the Bull. This is it for me, my life is about to change forever. I won’t be my daddy’s little girl every Eid and mess about with my brothers while getting done, and have my little bro in my room using the hair iron while we achieve awesome hairdo’s. Or my other brother coming to ask me if his jeans look ok with that shirt.
I will miss the banter. Patrick seemed to understand my pain because he was a baby bull being taken away from his parents and sent off to probably pro-create with some cow. So much pressure I tell you.
I am about to be a wife in 4 months. And I will not be able to hide behind my mum and dad anymore. And even when I do visit, it will not be my home any longer.
I will miss my family very much, but I am excited about being with my boo for a long time.
Patrick eventually took a turn, and we sped off to our destination, and my dad said something funny and I smiled because I knew that these moments were precious.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A Charmed Life
This has to be the strangest year of my life,
I started this blog believing I could fill it with adventures that involve Indian weddings, but somehow life has been an unexpected journey involving a lot of lessons.
Mostly I am faced with funerals and people in hospital. I mean its endless!
Just yesterday a family member passed from some freak twist of faith, she was coughing and the next thing, they found her dead in bed.
On the way back from the funeral another group of family members met up in a car accident and 1 person passed and two are in hospital.
I am not making this up….
It is like maybe there is a lesson in this for all of us, life is unpredicatable and maybe we think we have it figured it out and know what its going to be like in the next ten minutes and suddenly everything changes.
This brings me to thinking about marriage.
Marriage is a life long commitment. Or least a commitment for part of your life.
We get caught up in what I call “Caption this Photo”
This is when you look at a couple and try and label their relationship and this is why so many woman are obsessed with how you look with your partner
Granted, some couples are very oddly matched, but usually they the happiest and that got me thinking that maybe it’s because they stopped giving a damn, because life is way too short.
Everyone has an opinion about Everything, but it is only your opinion that matters.
I use to fantasize in my younger days of a tall, muscular guy who wrote poetry and was all rebellious. And the Universe answered my call and gave me said guy and threw in a bike and earring just to make the deal sweeter. He was also smart and ambitious and I was gaga.
Until one day he went crazy from taking drugs and tried to ruin my life
I am not making this up either.
I have lived a charmed life!
I ask myself why did I want Biker Boy? And it’s because I wanted to be cool by association.
It led me nowhere.
Marriage is a life long commitment as I have said, and it basically means that you have to be very mature in your decision.
Yes , I am one of those: “It just felt right people”. But it felt right because I knew myself and therefore knew what was good for me, and could spot it when it came.
Growing up has been fun, and growing old will be better, but if I am like all these people that dies suddenly, I want to know that I followed my opinion and not other people’s opinions.
I started this blog believing I could fill it with adventures that involve Indian weddings, but somehow life has been an unexpected journey involving a lot of lessons.
Mostly I am faced with funerals and people in hospital. I mean its endless!
Just yesterday a family member passed from some freak twist of faith, she was coughing and the next thing, they found her dead in bed.
On the way back from the funeral another group of family members met up in a car accident and 1 person passed and two are in hospital.
I am not making this up….
It is like maybe there is a lesson in this for all of us, life is unpredicatable and maybe we think we have it figured it out and know what its going to be like in the next ten minutes and suddenly everything changes.
This brings me to thinking about marriage.
Marriage is a life long commitment. Or least a commitment for part of your life.
We get caught up in what I call “Caption this Photo”
This is when you look at a couple and try and label their relationship and this is why so many woman are obsessed with how you look with your partner
Granted, some couples are very oddly matched, but usually they the happiest and that got me thinking that maybe it’s because they stopped giving a damn, because life is way too short.
Everyone has an opinion about Everything, but it is only your opinion that matters.
I use to fantasize in my younger days of a tall, muscular guy who wrote poetry and was all rebellious. And the Universe answered my call and gave me said guy and threw in a bike and earring just to make the deal sweeter. He was also smart and ambitious and I was gaga.
Until one day he went crazy from taking drugs and tried to ruin my life
I am not making this up either.
I have lived a charmed life!
I ask myself why did I want Biker Boy? And it’s because I wanted to be cool by association.
It led me nowhere.
Marriage is a life long commitment as I have said, and it basically means that you have to be very mature in your decision.
Yes , I am one of those: “It just felt right people”. But it felt right because I knew myself and therefore knew what was good for me, and could spot it when it came.
Growing up has been fun, and growing old will be better, but if I am like all these people that dies suddenly, I want to know that I followed my opinion and not other people’s opinions.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Samoosa, Potjiekos, Pap scenario
Me: Wow, I am the only Indian girl left in this company! There was “Mary” and “Jane” before (Not real names)
Person A: Yeah but Jane doesn’t really count
Me: Why?
Person A: Because she was too hot
I say Person A, because A stands for Asshole!
I do not think that there is any other way of looking at this. I believe, and correct me if I am wrong that he just said that if a girl is hot she is no longer Indian? Or that Indian girls are not hot.
And so my friends I experience round two of my experience with this person’s prejudice.
Previously it was comments about my religion. And I guess what stung most about that one was when I was explaining that culture dictates why some Muslim Woman are suppressed and he made a snide comment like I was making excuses. But the worse was when I said, “Some people judge me for being educated…..” before I finished my sentence he cut in to say: “You are????????”
I may be seething mad but at the same time I feel so helpless
There are so many stereotypes and assumptions about people and there is nothing that we can actually do to change their minds about things.
I call it the “Samoosa, Potjiekos, Pap scenario”. Everyone has a box that they like fit people into and they refuse to see beyond their own short sighted beliefs.
My first boyfriend was white, in fact he was half Afrikaans and half Scottish, and do you know what people use to ask him when he said he had an Indian girlfriend?
1. Doesn’t she smell like curry?
2. Does she know the Karma Sutra?
How special is that?
Needless to say things never worked out between us but I know what it feels like to be judged and looked down upon just for being different.
Getting married to a Muslim man has not helped the situation, because in some people’s eyes my parents have suppressed me and made me marry someone from the same religion.
These comments and judgments brings tears to my eyes, because how about I just love him so much that I want to put up with his shit and no one else’s for the rest of my life?
How about I love the way he smiles and that we can sit together for hours without talking and just be ok.
Or that he was there when I came out of Anesthetic after my operation, and took care of me when I was in so much pain I couldn’t do anything but cry.
Or that he made me a wooden jewellery box with little doors and draws by hand, and it took him three weeks?
And what about the feeling I have inside whenever we look into each others eyes?
How about that?
How about they all don’t know me or anything about me?
How about just stopping the barriers?
How about just loving people who are different to you regardless?
Words are very powerful, people should be careful with them
Person A: Yeah but Jane doesn’t really count
Me: Why?
Person A: Because she was too hot
I say Person A, because A stands for Asshole!
I do not think that there is any other way of looking at this. I believe, and correct me if I am wrong that he just said that if a girl is hot she is no longer Indian? Or that Indian girls are not hot.
And so my friends I experience round two of my experience with this person’s prejudice.
Previously it was comments about my religion. And I guess what stung most about that one was when I was explaining that culture dictates why some Muslim Woman are suppressed and he made a snide comment like I was making excuses. But the worse was when I said, “Some people judge me for being educated…..” before I finished my sentence he cut in to say: “You are????????”
I may be seething mad but at the same time I feel so helpless
There are so many stereotypes and assumptions about people and there is nothing that we can actually do to change their minds about things.
I call it the “Samoosa, Potjiekos, Pap scenario”. Everyone has a box that they like fit people into and they refuse to see beyond their own short sighted beliefs.
My first boyfriend was white, in fact he was half Afrikaans and half Scottish, and do you know what people use to ask him when he said he had an Indian girlfriend?
1. Doesn’t she smell like curry?
2. Does she know the Karma Sutra?
How special is that?
Needless to say things never worked out between us but I know what it feels like to be judged and looked down upon just for being different.
Getting married to a Muslim man has not helped the situation, because in some people’s eyes my parents have suppressed me and made me marry someone from the same religion.
These comments and judgments brings tears to my eyes, because how about I just love him so much that I want to put up with his shit and no one else’s for the rest of my life?
How about I love the way he smiles and that we can sit together for hours without talking and just be ok.
Or that he was there when I came out of Anesthetic after my operation, and took care of me when I was in so much pain I couldn’t do anything but cry.
Or that he made me a wooden jewellery box with little doors and draws by hand, and it took him three weeks?
And what about the feeling I have inside whenever we look into each others eyes?
How about that?
How about they all don’t know me or anything about me?
How about just stopping the barriers?
How about just loving people who are different to you regardless?
Words are very powerful, people should be careful with them
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
SG
So between all the death and illness I have been seeing lately, I have come to realize that there is a lot to be grateful for and that life can be seemingly trivial at times.
I was looking at wedding cakes when I got the news that someone I considered a friend and had worked closely with for two years had passed away. She had been in coma for two weeks prior and I really believed she would recover.
Her death also made me realize that I have many gifts and that I should say thank you everyday for them.
On the other side of the fence however I was still been bombarded with questions by what I am going to call the SG. The Serial Gossipers.
My poor grandmother is lying on a ventilator in the hospital, and being my only remaining grandparent I am not feeling too comfortable with it.
On the same day that my Gran was admitted to the hospital, her sister who had been very ill also passed away and we couldn’t tell her because she was struggling to breathe as it is.
There was so much drama ensuing that you would think people would be subdued right?
Wrong!
While sitting at the hospital in the waiting area, we were asked:
Where is the venue?
What are you serving?
What are the colours?
Who is the cook?
Who is the planner?
And so on and on and on.
It’s actually a little disturbing that the SG have such empty lives that this is all that they know how to do.
You try and cut them off and they keep probing.
I have never been under so much scrutiny in my life!
My Fiancé and I took his parents to the hospital to visit my Gran and one of the members of the SG, watched me like a hawk. Actually; more like a creepy reptile would, at the point where it is about to attack you and paralyze you with some poisonous substance and make your death slow and painful.
It was like: “Come on little girl, do something wrong so I can pounce on you”.
Of course me being me, decided that it was best to just be myself, red pointy boots and tight skinny jeans included.
I do not do pretence so I am sure the SG are feeding off the flesh of my actions and words for the next few weeks.
What I cannot understand is why people are so blinded to the fact that life is so trivial.
One day you could be laughing and discussing veils with a friend, and the next you gone from the planet.
Is it really worth talking about others and being invasive and worrying about what they say or do or they way they act?
I know that every day that passes from now on, I will look at what is good and ensure that I enjoy the next 5 months I have left with my family planning my wedding. Because some people will never have the chance
I was looking at wedding cakes when I got the news that someone I considered a friend and had worked closely with for two years had passed away. She had been in coma for two weeks prior and I really believed she would recover.
Her death also made me realize that I have many gifts and that I should say thank you everyday for them.
On the other side of the fence however I was still been bombarded with questions by what I am going to call the SG. The Serial Gossipers.
My poor grandmother is lying on a ventilator in the hospital, and being my only remaining grandparent I am not feeling too comfortable with it.
On the same day that my Gran was admitted to the hospital, her sister who had been very ill also passed away and we couldn’t tell her because she was struggling to breathe as it is.
There was so much drama ensuing that you would think people would be subdued right?
Wrong!
While sitting at the hospital in the waiting area, we were asked:
Where is the venue?
What are you serving?
What are the colours?
Who is the cook?
Who is the planner?
And so on and on and on.
It’s actually a little disturbing that the SG have such empty lives that this is all that they know how to do.
You try and cut them off and they keep probing.
I have never been under so much scrutiny in my life!
My Fiancé and I took his parents to the hospital to visit my Gran and one of the members of the SG, watched me like a hawk. Actually; more like a creepy reptile would, at the point where it is about to attack you and paralyze you with some poisonous substance and make your death slow and painful.
It was like: “Come on little girl, do something wrong so I can pounce on you”.
Of course me being me, decided that it was best to just be myself, red pointy boots and tight skinny jeans included.
I do not do pretence so I am sure the SG are feeding off the flesh of my actions and words for the next few weeks.
What I cannot understand is why people are so blinded to the fact that life is so trivial.
One day you could be laughing and discussing veils with a friend, and the next you gone from the planet.
Is it really worth talking about others and being invasive and worrying about what they say or do or they way they act?
I know that every day that passes from now on, I will look at what is good and ensure that I enjoy the next 5 months I have left with my family planning my wedding. Because some people will never have the chance
Speedbumps
I have not abandoned my blog, I have just been experiencing the worse of Life's speedbumps.
However I do have many funny stories to tell, but unfortunately I have no desire to tell them right now.
I have had the horrible experience of loosing a friend and colleague, a great aunt and having my last remaining granparent admitted to hospital
I will be back soon
Sometimes we all just need some time to be alone
On a lighter note, all wedding prep has moving ahead regardless. And the family drama has continued.
Plenty of post to come in the next few days for my little group of readers
However I do have many funny stories to tell, but unfortunately I have no desire to tell them right now.
I have had the horrible experience of loosing a friend and colleague, a great aunt and having my last remaining granparent admitted to hospital
I will be back soon
Sometimes we all just need some time to be alone
On a lighter note, all wedding prep has moving ahead regardless. And the family drama has continued.
Plenty of post to come in the next few days for my little group of readers
Monday, August 2, 2010
In Loving Memory of Annabel
So I tried my hand at domesticity and made some desserts for a lunch that I was invited to.
I was actually visiting my Tupperware friend to collect my order and she said we had to stay for lunch and also invited my best friend and her boyfriend over.
How life has changed, the three of us would party up a storm back at university. We were not even remotely thinking of marriage. We all had our dreams, funky clothes, attitudes and packs of cigarettes.
Now here I was: arriving with my Halaal version of chocolate mousse (No Gelatin), and a peppermint and caramel tart made from scratch.
I have to point out that it was much harder than I thought. I mean the double boiler was overflowing because I added too much water at the bottom and I have to save the chocolate!
I didn’t beat the caramel before hand, just chucked the blob into the cream in one go, so I had to “fold” the mixture for like ten years – who needs pilates? It was still lumpy at the end, but who cares! No one noticed anyway.
But anyway, about three hours later with chocolate mousse splattered on the wall and in my hair; and my brother taking pics in disbelief; I had manage to not completely f#ck it up.
My Tupperware friend made three different dishes for lunch and my Best friend provided the salads and sides.
I was like: What the hell?????? What happened to flirting and dancing and being cute?
The only cute thing around there was TF’s 4 year old son and the puppy she calls Black Bastard, since it has no name yet.
At least we still have a sense of humour I guess,
So the trip down memory lane began, and TF pointed out that we had to console her when she got knocked up 4 years back and got married. I remembered that time and remembered how afraid she was to be a mum, and for the first time I could relate.
I am petrified!!!
I am getting married and that usually leads into having a kid.
Kids are fine, except they belong to someone else.
I don’t even have a desk plant. I just know it would die.
I actually had a plant in my apartment in Cape Town. It was called Annabel and I struggled to keep it alive, and then I left it in the care of my friend while away, and she killed Annabel. The truth is……I was kinda relieved…….sick, I know.
What kind of Mother would I make if I was relieved my plant died???
I mean it always starts this way, ordering Tupperware, making dessert, and next thing you sharing recipes and talking about how to clear nappy rash…….
I discuss Yeats, Rumi and Khalil Gibran. I love the ballet and theatre. I want to win an Oscar, or any award…..
I don’t want to exchange it for developmental sets and kiddies plays.
Ok, so maybe I am getting ahead of myself but marriage scares me.
Firstly there is the potential children fear – add mummy tummy and droopy boobs
Then there is the re-introduction into Indian Culture. What if I loose myself? What if I loose everything that makes me different?
My best friend said it can never happen even if I tried, but who really knows?
I guess that this is apart of the journey, its all one interesting rollercoaster of emotions
I was actually visiting my Tupperware friend to collect my order and she said we had to stay for lunch and also invited my best friend and her boyfriend over.
How life has changed, the three of us would party up a storm back at university. We were not even remotely thinking of marriage. We all had our dreams, funky clothes, attitudes and packs of cigarettes.
Now here I was: arriving with my Halaal version of chocolate mousse (No Gelatin), and a peppermint and caramel tart made from scratch.
I have to point out that it was much harder than I thought. I mean the double boiler was overflowing because I added too much water at the bottom and I have to save the chocolate!
I didn’t beat the caramel before hand, just chucked the blob into the cream in one go, so I had to “fold” the mixture for like ten years – who needs pilates? It was still lumpy at the end, but who cares! No one noticed anyway.
But anyway, about three hours later with chocolate mousse splattered on the wall and in my hair; and my brother taking pics in disbelief; I had manage to not completely f#ck it up.
My Tupperware friend made three different dishes for lunch and my Best friend provided the salads and sides.
I was like: What the hell?????? What happened to flirting and dancing and being cute?
The only cute thing around there was TF’s 4 year old son and the puppy she calls Black Bastard, since it has no name yet.
At least we still have a sense of humour I guess,
So the trip down memory lane began, and TF pointed out that we had to console her when she got knocked up 4 years back and got married. I remembered that time and remembered how afraid she was to be a mum, and for the first time I could relate.
I am petrified!!!
I am getting married and that usually leads into having a kid.
Kids are fine, except they belong to someone else.
I don’t even have a desk plant. I just know it would die.
I actually had a plant in my apartment in Cape Town. It was called Annabel and I struggled to keep it alive, and then I left it in the care of my friend while away, and she killed Annabel. The truth is……I was kinda relieved…….sick, I know.
What kind of Mother would I make if I was relieved my plant died???
I mean it always starts this way, ordering Tupperware, making dessert, and next thing you sharing recipes and talking about how to clear nappy rash…….
I discuss Yeats, Rumi and Khalil Gibran. I love the ballet and theatre. I want to win an Oscar, or any award…..
I don’t want to exchange it for developmental sets and kiddies plays.
Ok, so maybe I am getting ahead of myself but marriage scares me.
Firstly there is the potential children fear – add mummy tummy and droopy boobs
Then there is the re-introduction into Indian Culture. What if I loose myself? What if I loose everything that makes me different?
My best friend said it can never happen even if I tried, but who really knows?
I guess that this is apart of the journey, its all one interesting rollercoaster of emotions
Friday, July 30, 2010
One Starless Night in JHB
Do people really realize how important it is to choose a friend as a life partner?
I hope that most people do, because when life is kicking your ass so hard it starts looking like a badly dubbed Karate movie, you really do need someone to translate adequately what reality looks like.
God know why, but my life is in a giant funk right now.
There is some weird shift happening inside me. And its not indigestion.
Last night I fell deeper in love.
I fell in love with the Westcliff Hotel and its view, which has been earmarked for our wedding night.
I fell in love with my future husband even more, when he smiled at me and told me that everything was going to be ok. And when he said it never matters where we are or what we are doing, every night is a beautiful night as long as we together.
And strangely enough, I fell in love with my culture.
Last night I realized that no matter how much I believed I was like the rest, I was not one of them,
People will always criticize my religion, and my culture, because of the "Backwards" beliefs.
And to a certain degree I was the same, I did not want to be boxed, I want to be a forward thinker.
But what’s wrong with preserving a culture? A religion? Or any belief? My best friend once said: "If we all the same, it would be so boring". And she is right.
Culture and Religion may bring a lot of pain to the world, but it also adds beauty and diversity. Like my mum's spice tin with all its Fragrances and jewel colours.
And mostly the thing about culture is that it unites us. In your community you are not on the outside looking in.
People in Islam, have fun without Alcohol fuelling their bodies. Their jokes and stories are different, but they having fun anyway?
I think that each person deserves the right to believe what they want to believe, and it makes me very sad that people do not treat those that are different with kindness.
I hope that most people do, because when life is kicking your ass so hard it starts looking like a badly dubbed Karate movie, you really do need someone to translate adequately what reality looks like.
God know why, but my life is in a giant funk right now.
There is some weird shift happening inside me. And its not indigestion.
Last night I fell deeper in love.
I fell in love with the Westcliff Hotel and its view, which has been earmarked for our wedding night.
I fell in love with my future husband even more, when he smiled at me and told me that everything was going to be ok. And when he said it never matters where we are or what we are doing, every night is a beautiful night as long as we together.
And strangely enough, I fell in love with my culture.
Last night I realized that no matter how much I believed I was like the rest, I was not one of them,
People will always criticize my religion, and my culture, because of the "Backwards" beliefs.
And to a certain degree I was the same, I did not want to be boxed, I want to be a forward thinker.
But what’s wrong with preserving a culture? A religion? Or any belief? My best friend once said: "If we all the same, it would be so boring". And she is right.
Culture and Religion may bring a lot of pain to the world, but it also adds beauty and diversity. Like my mum's spice tin with all its Fragrances and jewel colours.
And mostly the thing about culture is that it unites us. In your community you are not on the outside looking in.
People in Islam, have fun without Alcohol fuelling their bodies. Their jokes and stories are different, but they having fun anyway?
I think that each person deserves the right to believe what they want to believe, and it makes me very sad that people do not treat those that are different with kindness.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Rule Book
I know I am having a very philosophical week, but bear with me.
So since I have registered into Realisation 101; I have become aware of the fact that some person drew up a rule book. And this rule book stated how soon to be married people, should do things.
Let's use the the Honeymoon planning as exhibit A.
The rules state that they guy has to do all the planning and and pay for the entire trip.
I am all for the paying part. You just sold yourself into a mordern version of slavery anyway!
Ok, its really not that bad, but you will be picking up his crap from the floor, cooking, picking up knocked over bottles in the shower, closing the toothpaste, and of course hearing him fart.
I have no illusions about marriage, but if I am going to put up with anyone's bad habits, I would choose the evolved monkey I am marrying.
At least he tries to clean up and will chop the veggies or lay the table. And he is so cute! Which means I can forgive him for his faults.
Anyway, I am a PMS MONSTER!!!! And I cry.....ALOT......
I also have the attention span of a goldfish
Back to my point about the honeymoon......
The planning is a very important part. And we decided to break the rules and plan ours together. And you know what? It is alot of fun! We both getting what we want. There will be no guessing games and no disappointments.
The bestest part though is the bonding. It is our first overseas holiday together, and we a team, we share everything, even this.
I just think that every couple should do what makes them happy and what sits comfortably with them.
I mean who wrote a rule book?????? Who decided how things should be done?
People say its tradition and its romantic.
Well I don't like tradition....
And what if my version of romantic is different to yours?
There is so much expectation in society because there are all these rules written. Like what age you should get married and when you should have kids, and how to raise them.
I think we all entitled to do as we please and frankly who the hell are "they" anyway?
They sound like a bunch of know it all twats.
The best way to enjoy life is to live it by your rules. Because your experience is yours and it is very private and intimate, and no one can really see the world as you do.
So since I have registered into Realisation 101; I have become aware of the fact that some person drew up a rule book. And this rule book stated how soon to be married people, should do things.
Let's use the the Honeymoon planning as exhibit A.
The rules state that they guy has to do all the planning and and pay for the entire trip.
I am all for the paying part. You just sold yourself into a mordern version of slavery anyway!
Ok, its really not that bad, but you will be picking up his crap from the floor, cooking, picking up knocked over bottles in the shower, closing the toothpaste, and of course hearing him fart.
I have no illusions about marriage, but if I am going to put up with anyone's bad habits, I would choose the evolved monkey I am marrying.
At least he tries to clean up and will chop the veggies or lay the table. And he is so cute! Which means I can forgive him for his faults.
Anyway, I am a PMS MONSTER!!!! And I cry.....ALOT......
I also have the attention span of a goldfish
Back to my point about the honeymoon......
The planning is a very important part. And we decided to break the rules and plan ours together. And you know what? It is alot of fun! We both getting what we want. There will be no guessing games and no disappointments.
The bestest part though is the bonding. It is our first overseas holiday together, and we a team, we share everything, even this.
I just think that every couple should do what makes them happy and what sits comfortably with them.
I mean who wrote a rule book?????? Who decided how things should be done?
People say its tradition and its romantic.
Well I don't like tradition....
And what if my version of romantic is different to yours?
There is so much expectation in society because there are all these rules written. Like what age you should get married and when you should have kids, and how to raise them.
I think we all entitled to do as we please and frankly who the hell are "they" anyway?
They sound like a bunch of know it all twats.
The best way to enjoy life is to live it by your rules. Because your experience is yours and it is very private and intimate, and no one can really see the world as you do.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Weeds
Some days things just don’t seem funny,
In fact the whole world looks pretty damn bleak.
Today is one of those days…………
I have learnt about the politics of planning a wedding.
It’s like somehow the wedding stops being about you and starts being about everyone else.
I had kind of lost my excitement through the constant tension that seems to surround it
My Fiancé was mugged and shot a few years ago and he said that the greatest lesson that he learnt from life was that it was only in times of need that you realize who your true friends are.
I usually refer to this as God weeding your life. And I must say that my garden is looking pretty bare. All the plants that I once thought were beautiful are actually just poisonous, strangling and soul destroying weeds.
On the bright side there are those genuine, rare and breathtaking flowers that fill my heart with glee whenever I look at them. And the best part of clearing the junk is that you see them more clearly.
We often focus on all the negative, and let it control our lives. That means that you never really experience the good that is happening right now.
Ok, I am done being all soppy and philosophical, but do take my advice and give the weeds the middle finger and add some profanity in for good measure.
I am only getting married once (Well at least to this guy). So it is crucial to enjoy and savor every minute!
In fact the whole world looks pretty damn bleak.
Today is one of those days…………
I have learnt about the politics of planning a wedding.
It’s like somehow the wedding stops being about you and starts being about everyone else.
I had kind of lost my excitement through the constant tension that seems to surround it
My Fiancé was mugged and shot a few years ago and he said that the greatest lesson that he learnt from life was that it was only in times of need that you realize who your true friends are.
I usually refer to this as God weeding your life. And I must say that my garden is looking pretty bare. All the plants that I once thought were beautiful are actually just poisonous, strangling and soul destroying weeds.
On the bright side there are those genuine, rare and breathtaking flowers that fill my heart with glee whenever I look at them. And the best part of clearing the junk is that you see them more clearly.
We often focus on all the negative, and let it control our lives. That means that you never really experience the good that is happening right now.
Ok, I am done being all soppy and philosophical, but do take my advice and give the weeds the middle finger and add some profanity in for good measure.
I am only getting married once (Well at least to this guy). So it is crucial to enjoy and savor every minute!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Smug Married People
What I will miss most after I get married is being the voice for every single girl out there that is honestly happy with her life.
Recently a good friend of mine had her feathers ruffled by one of those smug married woman that insist on making the unmarried woman feel as if they somehow lacking.
It was similar to my encounter with Purdah girl but slightly more annoying.
You see my friend is currently completing her Master Degree in some fancy new law related thing that involves Telecommunications. She also has a beautiful spacious, two bedroom apartment on the beachfront and has a kick ass, high paying job. She also has good friends, a great guy, and a fantastic family.
She may not be perfect, after all she is just human and has her issues with life as anyone else, but she is happy with her lifestyle, and she certainly doesn’t feel as if she is lacking.
However, this smug girl she knows from high school calls her because she is town to ask her if she would like to go out for coffee.
My friend is always happy to keep in touch with people, so she agrees. This is when the smug girl starts asking her what she is doing, and with every answer my friend gives her, she replies: “Shame”
But apparently cooking for yourself and living by yourself is shameful!!!!!!
It’s like somehow cooking for her husband is much better and of course, living down the road from her parents, in the same Indian area she grew up in is the height of success.
My friend chatted to me after the encounter and said: “Why do married people always think we lacking?”
And immediately I was in full defense mode, until it dawned on me that I was getting married.
It was a bittersweet moment, I could no longer be apart of the single woman lib that had been my clique for so long.
While I love my Fiancé and I look forward to our life together, I will miss giving it back to the smug married people and even worse, the smug married people with kids.
Single girls are not lacking, they out having fun.
They spend their money on themselves and they never have to pick socks up from the floor or deal with snoring.
I am really going to miss being single, but I promise never to get smug.
Recently a good friend of mine had her feathers ruffled by one of those smug married woman that insist on making the unmarried woman feel as if they somehow lacking.
It was similar to my encounter with Purdah girl but slightly more annoying.
You see my friend is currently completing her Master Degree in some fancy new law related thing that involves Telecommunications. She also has a beautiful spacious, two bedroom apartment on the beachfront and has a kick ass, high paying job. She also has good friends, a great guy, and a fantastic family.
She may not be perfect, after all she is just human and has her issues with life as anyone else, but she is happy with her lifestyle, and she certainly doesn’t feel as if she is lacking.
However, this smug girl she knows from high school calls her because she is town to ask her if she would like to go out for coffee.
My friend is always happy to keep in touch with people, so she agrees. This is when the smug girl starts asking her what she is doing, and with every answer my friend gives her, she replies: “Shame”
But apparently cooking for yourself and living by yourself is shameful!!!!!!
It’s like somehow cooking for her husband is much better and of course, living down the road from her parents, in the same Indian area she grew up in is the height of success.
My friend chatted to me after the encounter and said: “Why do married people always think we lacking?”
And immediately I was in full defense mode, until it dawned on me that I was getting married.
It was a bittersweet moment, I could no longer be apart of the single woman lib that had been my clique for so long.
While I love my Fiancé and I look forward to our life together, I will miss giving it back to the smug married people and even worse, the smug married people with kids.
Single girls are not lacking, they out having fun.
They spend their money on themselves and they never have to pick socks up from the floor or deal with snoring.
I am really going to miss being single, but I promise never to get smug.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Tupperware
Today something strange happened
I requested a Tupperware Catalogue, and then I looked through it with much glee and enthusiasm, until I realized what I was doing.
I then froze and sat silently for a few seconds.
I looked down at my body, and everything looked intact.
I took out my mirror, checked my face……I really need to get my eyebrows shaped…..but everything is as it should.
I breathe a sigh of relief.
I had not morphed into a Samoosa Making Indian Aunty.
Then I closed the catalogue and did a few minutes of introspection.
It appears that no matter where you live, or what you experience, or how smart and posh you may think you are. All Indian woman will order expensive Tupperware Containers when getting married.
You see in an Indian household, there are usually too separate sets of plasticware.
There is the cheaper, bought in bulk, no name variety that you can store all you leftover food in. And there is always leftovers. These also work for any Masala, Marinades and spices.
Of course you should not forget the ones you use to freeze stuff. Indian woman prepare an assortment of food stuff and stick it in the deep freezer.
The deep freezer is also a must for an Indian woman. In fact they should just give you one when they give you your wedding ring.
Anyway, the second variety of plasticware is the original Tupperware. These pricey plastic beauties are very precious to an Indian Woman and are used mostly for cakes and biscuits.
If anyone dares to put food in it, they will suffer a long and excruciating death for the destroying Tupperware with curry……..
You also do not place the customary package of food that you present your guests with, when they leave an actual Tupperware container. In fact, this is why all butter and margarine containers are washed and kept, so that you can give your guest food to take home without loosing plasticware.
My mum keeps two separate cupboards for her differing plasticware. And this is when I realized: “Hey, I need some of these for my house”. So I e-mailed one of my friends that sells the stuff and asked for the catalogue.
We know where that lead……….
Not to go against the rules of Indianism. My Tupperware friend is married and has a son. It is like a private club for married woman.
I can’t believe that instead of buying the pair of black boots I want, I am going to “invest” in Tupperware.
You really can’t escape culture!
I requested a Tupperware Catalogue, and then I looked through it with much glee and enthusiasm, until I realized what I was doing.
I then froze and sat silently for a few seconds.
I looked down at my body, and everything looked intact.
I took out my mirror, checked my face……I really need to get my eyebrows shaped…..but everything is as it should.
I breathe a sigh of relief.
I had not morphed into a Samoosa Making Indian Aunty.
Then I closed the catalogue and did a few minutes of introspection.
It appears that no matter where you live, or what you experience, or how smart and posh you may think you are. All Indian woman will order expensive Tupperware Containers when getting married.
You see in an Indian household, there are usually too separate sets of plasticware.
There is the cheaper, bought in bulk, no name variety that you can store all you leftover food in. And there is always leftovers. These also work for any Masala, Marinades and spices.
Of course you should not forget the ones you use to freeze stuff. Indian woman prepare an assortment of food stuff and stick it in the deep freezer.
The deep freezer is also a must for an Indian woman. In fact they should just give you one when they give you your wedding ring.
Anyway, the second variety of plasticware is the original Tupperware. These pricey plastic beauties are very precious to an Indian Woman and are used mostly for cakes and biscuits.
If anyone dares to put food in it, they will suffer a long and excruciating death for the destroying Tupperware with curry……..
You also do not place the customary package of food that you present your guests with, when they leave an actual Tupperware container. In fact, this is why all butter and margarine containers are washed and kept, so that you can give your guest food to take home without loosing plasticware.
My mum keeps two separate cupboards for her differing plasticware. And this is when I realized: “Hey, I need some of these for my house”. So I e-mailed one of my friends that sells the stuff and asked for the catalogue.
We know where that lead……….
Not to go against the rules of Indianism. My Tupperware friend is married and has a son. It is like a private club for married woman.
I can’t believe that instead of buying the pair of black boots I want, I am going to “invest” in Tupperware.
You really can’t escape culture!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Blast from the Past
So ironically I had to go to a funeral this past weekend.
It was my mum’s uncle that passed away and had been ill for a while. I don’t like funerals, they very sad occasions and I always hate the reminder of my own mortality,
Just so you know, I was on point with the ridiculous banter and gossip that goes on. I am guilty of some of it; I will admit….sorry…… but I am a woman after all and some things are just too juicy to miss. Like hearing how a very infamous gossip monger is getting her own back.
Karma is such a beautiful thing.
Anyway, after the funeral they usually serve lunch. So while eating my curry and rice, I had this purdah (veil worn over the face) lady hovering near me.
Before I continue, I would like to point out that the veil worn by some Muslim woman is not really an Islamic thing. It is actually something that stemmed from other cultures.
For a really informative read check out: http://www.islamfortoday.com/niqaab.htm
So Purdah girl is hovering and I am starting to get suspicious. I mean it’s not fair that she can see my face and I can’t see hers? What is she doing here?
Finally my question is answered. She says: “Do you remember me?”
I am thinking, um, how am I suppose to? I can’t see you face stupid!
But I just said: “No, I don’t….who are you?”
And she pulls up the veil and reveals her name.
I regressed back to 7 years old in 10 seconds.
It was my childhood tormentor! This girl was responsible for most of the childhood bullying that went on when I lived in there.
Lucky I remembered I was 27, and calmly said, “I have a vague recollection”. I had to throw in the high English, as to establish myself as the smarter one in this encounter.
This chick hounded me for like half an hour, trying to dredge up every memory of my childhood there. She kept saying, but you finished primary school here. And I kept reminding her it was 15 years ago. In fact if you look at it, you only really remember your life from about 5 years old. So I only have 7 years of memories there…….
What she didn’t expect when unveiling herself was my wit, fast tongue and don’t care attitude.
When she said: “I got married at 22”, like its some kind of major achievement, I was like: “Oh, I just finished studying then and moved to Cape Town”. You must know Muslim girls do not live alone. So this is like saying you worship Satan!
Then she says, “We have 4 kids already”, also like this is some major achievement and I am like: “ I am not sure I like kids”
Anyway, needless to say I made it clear that I was miles ahead of her in the “Experiencing life category”. But inside, I was still scared, I mean, her little group use to be so mean to me.
Looking at it now, I think I threatened them. Even when I was engrossed in my community, I was never like them. I was always a little odd. Different, with a mindset of my own.
I was dreamer. In fact my parents got called to my school in grade 3 because my teacher said I spent too much time day dreaming. They never knew one day I would dream up stuff that would inspire others.
I am very modest hey? LOL.
This reminds me that my grade 7 English Teacher told me I couldn’t write. What a Putz.
This encounter with the blast from the past made me realize something, I was lucky.
My parents took me away from that close minded environment and put me in a field where I could take root and really grow until my branches touched the sky.
I never belonged there. I never belonged anywhere. I was a loner, a dreamer and someone that cannot conform to anything.
Just a hint, you will hear about Purdah girl again, her husband and my Fiancé are first cousins. Irony at its finest!
As she said: “We will see each other at every family function”
Joy. Joy. Joy.
It was my mum’s uncle that passed away and had been ill for a while. I don’t like funerals, they very sad occasions and I always hate the reminder of my own mortality,
Just so you know, I was on point with the ridiculous banter and gossip that goes on. I am guilty of some of it; I will admit….sorry…… but I am a woman after all and some things are just too juicy to miss. Like hearing how a very infamous gossip monger is getting her own back.
Karma is such a beautiful thing.
Anyway, after the funeral they usually serve lunch. So while eating my curry and rice, I had this purdah (veil worn over the face) lady hovering near me.
Before I continue, I would like to point out that the veil worn by some Muslim woman is not really an Islamic thing. It is actually something that stemmed from other cultures.
For a really informative read check out: http://www.islamfortoday.com/niqaab.htm
So Purdah girl is hovering and I am starting to get suspicious. I mean it’s not fair that she can see my face and I can’t see hers? What is she doing here?
Finally my question is answered. She says: “Do you remember me?”
I am thinking, um, how am I suppose to? I can’t see you face stupid!
But I just said: “No, I don’t….who are you?”
And she pulls up the veil and reveals her name.
I regressed back to 7 years old in 10 seconds.
It was my childhood tormentor! This girl was responsible for most of the childhood bullying that went on when I lived in there.
Lucky I remembered I was 27, and calmly said, “I have a vague recollection”. I had to throw in the high English, as to establish myself as the smarter one in this encounter.
This chick hounded me for like half an hour, trying to dredge up every memory of my childhood there. She kept saying, but you finished primary school here. And I kept reminding her it was 15 years ago. In fact if you look at it, you only really remember your life from about 5 years old. So I only have 7 years of memories there…….
What she didn’t expect when unveiling herself was my wit, fast tongue and don’t care attitude.
When she said: “I got married at 22”, like its some kind of major achievement, I was like: “Oh, I just finished studying then and moved to Cape Town”. You must know Muslim girls do not live alone. So this is like saying you worship Satan!
Then she says, “We have 4 kids already”, also like this is some major achievement and I am like: “ I am not sure I like kids”
Anyway, needless to say I made it clear that I was miles ahead of her in the “Experiencing life category”. But inside, I was still scared, I mean, her little group use to be so mean to me.
Looking at it now, I think I threatened them. Even when I was engrossed in my community, I was never like them. I was always a little odd. Different, with a mindset of my own.
I was dreamer. In fact my parents got called to my school in grade 3 because my teacher said I spent too much time day dreaming. They never knew one day I would dream up stuff that would inspire others.
I am very modest hey? LOL.
This reminds me that my grade 7 English Teacher told me I couldn’t write. What a Putz.
This encounter with the blast from the past made me realize something, I was lucky.
My parents took me away from that close minded environment and put me in a field where I could take root and really grow until my branches touched the sky.
I never belonged there. I never belonged anywhere. I was a loner, a dreamer and someone that cannot conform to anything.
Just a hint, you will hear about Purdah girl again, her husband and my Fiancé are first cousins. Irony at its finest!
As she said: “We will see each other at every family function”
Joy. Joy. Joy.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Fear? ...............What Exactly??
While I may comment on the bizarre and entertaining aspects of my culture and religion, I have to say that there are certain things that are actually pretty awesome.
The week before my engagement people kept asking me if I was nervous. And I kept saying I was fine.
But the more people asked, the more I kept expecting that this nervous feeling should spring up at any point.
By the time the engagement arrived I was sitting around waiting for it to arrive, but nothing happened.
I prodded different emotions and thoughts trying to get this feeling going, but nothing was happening.
I began feeling like an emotionless freak!
Where were my nerves? Everyone else has nerves!!! I want my nerves dammit! I deserve nerves like everyone else!
I guess it was a case of wanting everything to feel exactly the way people say its going to be.
But that is the thing I has realized about life, things never feel the way it did for anyone else. Every experience is unique.
So I arrive at the engagement and its all delayed and stuff – that is a whole other story. This meant I had to chill at my cousins house till I got the green light. At this point I thought: “oooh, maybe now the nerves and excitement will kick in”
Nothing
I am an alien. I knew it all along. Any minute now my real race will come down in a zen like space ship and take me back to planet “Unruffled”. We will do yoga all day and spend hours meditating. Or maybe they just a bunch of stoners on this planet....
Anyway.........
I was worried. Why was I so calm????????
I got bored of worrying eventually and checked my awesome make up and hair and fluffed my beautiful designer dress. My picture got taken, I posed and had a merry old time.
Finally I arrive, and I am seated on this cool white couch awaiting the arrival of Lemon Sorbet aka My Fiancé.
When I saw him walk in I figured out why I was so calm.
I had nothing to fear. Because I knew he was the one, no doubts, no second guesses.
And part of the reason I had no doubts was because of this event itself.
He was going to put a ring on my finger in front of everyone that meant something to us.
I don’t have to fear he would leave or that it was hoax. I had nothing to fear because he was an honorable man, who is brave enough to say “She is the one” in front of our community, friends and gossip mongers.
He was real. This was real. And I could trust him.
While the one knee and ring scenario is very romantic, this to me; was more romantic.
It was like he had nothing to hide, no deceit, and all his love to share.
Tradition can be so tear jerking sometimes
The week before my engagement people kept asking me if I was nervous. And I kept saying I was fine.
But the more people asked, the more I kept expecting that this nervous feeling should spring up at any point.
By the time the engagement arrived I was sitting around waiting for it to arrive, but nothing happened.
I prodded different emotions and thoughts trying to get this feeling going, but nothing was happening.
I began feeling like an emotionless freak!
Where were my nerves? Everyone else has nerves!!! I want my nerves dammit! I deserve nerves like everyone else!
I guess it was a case of wanting everything to feel exactly the way people say its going to be.
But that is the thing I has realized about life, things never feel the way it did for anyone else. Every experience is unique.
So I arrive at the engagement and its all delayed and stuff – that is a whole other story. This meant I had to chill at my cousins house till I got the green light. At this point I thought: “oooh, maybe now the nerves and excitement will kick in”
Nothing
I am an alien. I knew it all along. Any minute now my real race will come down in a zen like space ship and take me back to planet “Unruffled”. We will do yoga all day and spend hours meditating. Or maybe they just a bunch of stoners on this planet....
Anyway.........
I was worried. Why was I so calm????????
I got bored of worrying eventually and checked my awesome make up and hair and fluffed my beautiful designer dress. My picture got taken, I posed and had a merry old time.
Finally I arrive, and I am seated on this cool white couch awaiting the arrival of Lemon Sorbet aka My Fiancé.
When I saw him walk in I figured out why I was so calm.
I had nothing to fear. Because I knew he was the one, no doubts, no second guesses.
And part of the reason I had no doubts was because of this event itself.
He was going to put a ring on my finger in front of everyone that meant something to us.
I don’t have to fear he would leave or that it was hoax. I had nothing to fear because he was an honorable man, who is brave enough to say “She is the one” in front of our community, friends and gossip mongers.
He was real. This was real. And I could trust him.
While the one knee and ring scenario is very romantic, this to me; was more romantic.
It was like he had nothing to hide, no deceit, and all his love to share.
Tradition can be so tear jerking sometimes
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The Queen Bee
My mother has become a kind of Queen Bee.
You see whenever she attends any family event, all the other women buzz around her now and ask her questions about how the wedding planning is going.
These events include funerals. Yes. Funerals…….
Funerals are like any other Indian event for those that are not grieving or sincere, because you still adhere to the following rules:
1. You show up – because if you don’t you become a subject in the gossip circles for not being there when the family needs you
2. You wear the latest fashion – the Islamic cloaks come with a variety of embroided and beaded patterns these days.
3. You make sure everyone hears about your husband and children’s latest successes. Good PR is always important
4. You get the dirt on others
5. Express sympathy for the poor grieving family and discuss how they going to cope and relay details of the death to everyone that arrives. Do this with your best hushed voice to seem very torn up about it. Throw in a story about you and the dead person.
These rules only apply to those that are not actually particularly sad that the person died because they hardly know them anyway.
So yes, even at a funeral, people ask my mother about how the plans are going for the wedding.
In Indian standards she now holds a high seat in the hive.
I have brought home the honey and she is now a successful member of society.
My Fiancé isn’t really like honey though, I would say he more lemon sorbet. Sweet with a hint of sharp tang, yet refreshing and addictive.
Just like I like them, just enough bad boy so that I don’t develop an acute case of narcolepsy.
My mum is bit of a reject, because she doesn’t follow the rules very well. Except the fashion part. But then she is always fab, so it’s just natural for her to be up to date.
However times have changed, suddenly everyone has something to talk to her about. So they can squeeze all the details out of her.
It seems that weddings in Indianville is the height of social acceptance.
I am not sure my mum likes being a queen bee, she prefers peace and quiet. So the buzzing tends to get on her nerves.
You see whenever she attends any family event, all the other women buzz around her now and ask her questions about how the wedding planning is going.
These events include funerals. Yes. Funerals…….
Funerals are like any other Indian event for those that are not grieving or sincere, because you still adhere to the following rules:
1. You show up – because if you don’t you become a subject in the gossip circles for not being there when the family needs you
2. You wear the latest fashion – the Islamic cloaks come with a variety of embroided and beaded patterns these days.
3. You make sure everyone hears about your husband and children’s latest successes. Good PR is always important
4. You get the dirt on others
5. Express sympathy for the poor grieving family and discuss how they going to cope and relay details of the death to everyone that arrives. Do this with your best hushed voice to seem very torn up about it. Throw in a story about you and the dead person.
These rules only apply to those that are not actually particularly sad that the person died because they hardly know them anyway.
So yes, even at a funeral, people ask my mother about how the plans are going for the wedding.
In Indian standards she now holds a high seat in the hive.
I have brought home the honey and she is now a successful member of society.
My Fiancé isn’t really like honey though, I would say he more lemon sorbet. Sweet with a hint of sharp tang, yet refreshing and addictive.
Just like I like them, just enough bad boy so that I don’t develop an acute case of narcolepsy.
My mum is bit of a reject, because she doesn’t follow the rules very well. Except the fashion part. But then she is always fab, so it’s just natural for her to be up to date.
However times have changed, suddenly everyone has something to talk to her about. So they can squeeze all the details out of her.
It seems that weddings in Indianville is the height of social acceptance.
I am not sure my mum likes being a queen bee, she prefers peace and quiet. So the buzzing tends to get on her nerves.
Monday, June 14, 2010
My Engagement
I always imagined that my formal engagement would be a small, simple and elegant affair.
I pictured a luncheon in our entertainment area that leads out to our beautiful pool area.
It would be intimate and fun.
Fat chance!
I forgot that I was Indian.
My Engagement took place in a hall in the Indian area that I came from.
When my parents first told me that they would like to have it there I panicked. I was afraid that somehow I slipping back into a world that completely foreign to me. Its like suddenly Indianville was taking over my life!
I actually cant say I had much control of my mind and emotions at the time. I told my mum that she could do whatever she wanted and I would give her the freedom to do what she wants.
The reason being was that I was not equipped for this, this was not what I wanted all my life.
I decided that even though it was far away, I would get dressed at home. I didn’t want to get done at someone else’s house. I wanted my hairdresser and a make up artist that I liked.
Tradition dictates that the bride and groom exchange gifts. They are not just gifts though, they are sort of gift baskets that are done all beautifully and set out on boards, with all sorts of decorations and covered in cellophane.
Our mothers agreed to do it at the engagement. I had no involvement in it because my mum asked my aunt to do it.
I was sad that she did not do it for me. She had done all my cousins gifts and made the most beautiful things I had ever seen. My aunt did a good job and I appreciated her hard work but I will always wish my mum had the time to it for me. She is my mother after all, and she is my whole world.
My Dad’s family really helped us out with the planning. They went above and beyond to make it beautiful. Especially my aunt that did the gifts.
While it was so strange to be thrown into Indian Culture again, I was also touched by how amazing my family was.
Looking back I am so glad that my parents did what they did and had such a beautiful event.
It was great fun! I felt like a princess and there is no more pomp that having 100 people there when you receive your engagement ring.
Who needs a candle lit dinner for two! We had the most posh event when we got engaged
Sometimes culture is not so bad
I pictured a luncheon in our entertainment area that leads out to our beautiful pool area.
It would be intimate and fun.
Fat chance!
I forgot that I was Indian.
My Engagement took place in a hall in the Indian area that I came from.
When my parents first told me that they would like to have it there I panicked. I was afraid that somehow I slipping back into a world that completely foreign to me. Its like suddenly Indianville was taking over my life!
I actually cant say I had much control of my mind and emotions at the time. I told my mum that she could do whatever she wanted and I would give her the freedom to do what she wants.
The reason being was that I was not equipped for this, this was not what I wanted all my life.
I decided that even though it was far away, I would get dressed at home. I didn’t want to get done at someone else’s house. I wanted my hairdresser and a make up artist that I liked.
Tradition dictates that the bride and groom exchange gifts. They are not just gifts though, they are sort of gift baskets that are done all beautifully and set out on boards, with all sorts of decorations and covered in cellophane.
Our mothers agreed to do it at the engagement. I had no involvement in it because my mum asked my aunt to do it.
I was sad that she did not do it for me. She had done all my cousins gifts and made the most beautiful things I had ever seen. My aunt did a good job and I appreciated her hard work but I will always wish my mum had the time to it for me. She is my mother after all, and she is my whole world.
My Dad’s family really helped us out with the planning. They went above and beyond to make it beautiful. Especially my aunt that did the gifts.
While it was so strange to be thrown into Indian Culture again, I was also touched by how amazing my family was.
Looking back I am so glad that my parents did what they did and had such a beautiful event.
It was great fun! I felt like a princess and there is no more pomp that having 100 people there when you receive your engagement ring.
Who needs a candle lit dinner for two! We had the most posh event when we got engaged
Sometimes culture is not so bad
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Acceptance
I am bad at finishing what I start,
So regardless of how tired I am today, I am going to tell you a funny story of some sort
Since the reason that I am tired is because the 2010 World Cup has arrived and I work in the TV industry, and seems that everyone needs a video of some sort.
I therefore figured that I should talk to you about attracting what you wish for.
When we first heard that the World Cup was coming to South Africa. I told one of my colleagues that in 2010 I was going to get an engaged to a soccer player.
I had someone like Fernando Torres in mind you know, like most woman.
Funny Enough I did get engaged in 2010. And my Fiancé plays soccer but he is not famous.
In the same way, I am attracting all the things that I wanted, but not in the way that I imagined.
I am getting married to a great guy that accepts me for who I am. We have understanding and respect. And we have fun together.
We will have a beautiful wedding and a beautiful life,
But I really did not bank on all the issues that would come up along the way.
Like the fact that I will always be referred to as his wife. Example, X’s wife works as a Lawyer/Accountant/Teacher
Once you married its like you lost your identity. You no longer have a name
Well to the Indians anyway.
And if you buy a house, it will be X has bought a house. No mention of the wife paying half the bond.
Its amazing how our society has evolved so much but Men get the acknowledgement for everything. And no one says well done to the wife, who also works all day and then comes home to cook and clean and see to the kids on top of all of it.
I guess that my biggest lesson through all of this is acceptance.
And realizing that you can never survive unless you stop worrying about what everyone thinks
So regardless of how tired I am today, I am going to tell you a funny story of some sort
Since the reason that I am tired is because the 2010 World Cup has arrived and I work in the TV industry, and seems that everyone needs a video of some sort.
I therefore figured that I should talk to you about attracting what you wish for.
When we first heard that the World Cup was coming to South Africa. I told one of my colleagues that in 2010 I was going to get an engaged to a soccer player.
I had someone like Fernando Torres in mind you know, like most woman.
Funny Enough I did get engaged in 2010. And my Fiancé plays soccer but he is not famous.
In the same way, I am attracting all the things that I wanted, but not in the way that I imagined.
I am getting married to a great guy that accepts me for who I am. We have understanding and respect. And we have fun together.
We will have a beautiful wedding and a beautiful life,
But I really did not bank on all the issues that would come up along the way.
Like the fact that I will always be referred to as his wife. Example, X’s wife works as a Lawyer/Accountant/Teacher
Once you married its like you lost your identity. You no longer have a name
Well to the Indians anyway.
And if you buy a house, it will be X has bought a house. No mention of the wife paying half the bond.
Its amazing how our society has evolved so much but Men get the acknowledgement for everything. And no one says well done to the wife, who also works all day and then comes home to cook and clean and see to the kids on top of all of it.
I guess that my biggest lesson through all of this is acceptance.
And realizing that you can never survive unless you stop worrying about what everyone thinks
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
My "Family Boy"
I am marrying a “Family Boy”
I love this term, it makes me laugh.
You see back in India there is a little village, and guess what? My man and I can both be traced back to that exact village.
In fact, we are actually kind of related on my Dad’s Mother’s side of the family.
It makes me feel weird when I think about it, because he is like a distant cousin or something, but then I realize that all Muslims are related because they have been doing these weird business transactions for eons.
You know what I mean? The whole, I marry your daughter to my son because its good for business.
Thankfully society has evolved somewhat since then, and majority of people marry for love. Like my parents. Who still love each other very much till today.
When I met my Fiancé, I had no idea that he was a “Family Boy”. I just looked at him and thought, hmmm, nice lips. And those eyes, oh my word!
It wasn’t all lust, he was also nice to talk to and easy to get along with, even if he did lie and tell me that he likes sushi when he so doesn’t!
On our first date I just knew I was going to marry him. It’s one of those things that you cannot explain to anyone. You just know, and for the first time in my life I had no doubts that this was it.
I am not saying that he is perfect or our relationship is perfect, it’s just a case of I am willing to go through the tough times with him.
But maybe luck was on my side because he was also the type of guy that I should have been marrying anyway.
When we found out with this weird relationship between our families that spans many decades, we laughed.
It was highly ironic. Me. The girl that so far removed from conforming to any ideal had in fact done something that people wanted me to do anyway.
This pissed the Gossip Mongers off further. Because I was never “Marriage Material”, so how did I get so lucky?
And all I have to say is: “Get over yourself!”
I would marry this man even if he was a Chinese pheasant who couldn’t even grow a good crop of rice.
Because, who his family is does not define who he is.
We both have values and beliefs that are our own. And we are connected by these values and beliefs.
I love this term, it makes me laugh.
You see back in India there is a little village, and guess what? My man and I can both be traced back to that exact village.
In fact, we are actually kind of related on my Dad’s Mother’s side of the family.
It makes me feel weird when I think about it, because he is like a distant cousin or something, but then I realize that all Muslims are related because they have been doing these weird business transactions for eons.
You know what I mean? The whole, I marry your daughter to my son because its good for business.
Thankfully society has evolved somewhat since then, and majority of people marry for love. Like my parents. Who still love each other very much till today.
When I met my Fiancé, I had no idea that he was a “Family Boy”. I just looked at him and thought, hmmm, nice lips. And those eyes, oh my word!
It wasn’t all lust, he was also nice to talk to and easy to get along with, even if he did lie and tell me that he likes sushi when he so doesn’t!
On our first date I just knew I was going to marry him. It’s one of those things that you cannot explain to anyone. You just know, and for the first time in my life I had no doubts that this was it.
I am not saying that he is perfect or our relationship is perfect, it’s just a case of I am willing to go through the tough times with him.
But maybe luck was on my side because he was also the type of guy that I should have been marrying anyway.
When we found out with this weird relationship between our families that spans many decades, we laughed.
It was highly ironic. Me. The girl that so far removed from conforming to any ideal had in fact done something that people wanted me to do anyway.
This pissed the Gossip Mongers off further. Because I was never “Marriage Material”, so how did I get so lucky?
And all I have to say is: “Get over yourself!”
I would marry this man even if he was a Chinese pheasant who couldn’t even grow a good crop of rice.
Because, who his family is does not define who he is.
We both have values and beliefs that are our own. And we are connected by these values and beliefs.
Monday, June 7, 2010
The lead up to the Engagement
The reason that I had to mention Ring Choosing Day and what it meant to me is because the next few weeks were really tough.
The planning of the engagement had commenced.
I gave my mum the freedom to do as she pleases. Because I trust mum and I know that she has great taste.
However it seems that everyone wanted to be involved suddenly and I let it be. I mean, I don’t mind that people want to get involved.
It was just that I so use to it being just me and my mum. Whenever there was any event at our house, we did it together.
It was overwhelming how excited everyone was about me getting engaged.
All this made me realize that no matter how I felt about things, or how I viewed life, or even what I stood for.
To the community I came from this was the biggest moment of my life, and they all wanted to be apart of it.
It’s strange but everyone wants a piece of the excitement.
I also know that I upset certain individuals. I mean how dare I ruin their favourite piece of gossip????
You see, I was 27 years old. And in Indian terms I was no longer even on the shelf. I was in the expiry bin!
And to add to it, I travel around the country with men! Alone!
I even stayed on my own for a while.
In other words, I was not the good muslim girl that decent boys marry.
And here I go and marry a guy from a good family. Who is also oh so handsome (Well to me anyway)
This was definitely a case of them getting egg on their face.
The sad truth was that I couldn’t even enjoy this tiny victory. The reason being that I just found it all so sad.
I don’t even find myself that interesting! And here I was the new topic of conversation and suddenly everyone wanted to know all the details of how we met etc
And here I was wondering how a simple conversation one Sunday night could cause so much to happen.
I suddenly understand why some people elope
The planning of the engagement had commenced.
I gave my mum the freedom to do as she pleases. Because I trust mum and I know that she has great taste.
However it seems that everyone wanted to be involved suddenly and I let it be. I mean, I don’t mind that people want to get involved.
It was just that I so use to it being just me and my mum. Whenever there was any event at our house, we did it together.
It was overwhelming how excited everyone was about me getting engaged.
All this made me realize that no matter how I felt about things, or how I viewed life, or even what I stood for.
To the community I came from this was the biggest moment of my life, and they all wanted to be apart of it.
It’s strange but everyone wants a piece of the excitement.
I also know that I upset certain individuals. I mean how dare I ruin their favourite piece of gossip????
You see, I was 27 years old. And in Indian terms I was no longer even on the shelf. I was in the expiry bin!
And to add to it, I travel around the country with men! Alone!
I even stayed on my own for a while.
In other words, I was not the good muslim girl that decent boys marry.
And here I go and marry a guy from a good family. Who is also oh so handsome (Well to me anyway)
This was definitely a case of them getting egg on their face.
The sad truth was that I couldn’t even enjoy this tiny victory. The reason being that I just found it all so sad.
I don’t even find myself that interesting! And here I was the new topic of conversation and suddenly everyone wanted to know all the details of how we met etc
And here I was wondering how a simple conversation one Sunday night could cause so much to happen.
I suddenly understand why some people elope
Friday, June 4, 2010
Ring Choosing Day
The date for my engagement was set for three weeks after the proposal.
My Fiancé and I were so excited about finally getting engaged.
It was scary and nerve wrecking but so fulfilling.
We had our first major fight in that time, and the best part about that fight was that we managed to work through it, and experienced our first compromise. I realized that this was what marriage is about. You have to learn that it was not about putting one partner’s needs before the other, but meeting each other half way.
And that is about as soppy as it got for those three weeks with the exception of the happiest day of a girls life.
Ring Choosing Day!
It happened the day after our big fight, we had not planned on the fight but we had planned to visit the jeweler.
Being the over organized freak that I am, I chose a design of a ring and would show it to the jeweler. My ring was going to made with diamonds that he inherited from his granddad.
It was probably the best day of that entire period.
Whenever people upset me in those three weeks, I just thought of that day. And it got me through.
I guess that is what life is about, no matter what happens there are always those happy moments that make it all worthwhile
My Fiancé and I were so excited about finally getting engaged.
It was scary and nerve wrecking but so fulfilling.
We had our first major fight in that time, and the best part about that fight was that we managed to work through it, and experienced our first compromise. I realized that this was what marriage is about. You have to learn that it was not about putting one partner’s needs before the other, but meeting each other half way.
And that is about as soppy as it got for those three weeks with the exception of the happiest day of a girls life.
Ring Choosing Day!
It happened the day after our big fight, we had not planned on the fight but we had planned to visit the jeweler.
Being the over organized freak that I am, I chose a design of a ring and would show it to the jeweler. My ring was going to made with diamonds that he inherited from his granddad.
It was probably the best day of that entire period.
Whenever people upset me in those three weeks, I just thought of that day. And it got me through.
I guess that is what life is about, no matter what happens there are always those happy moments that make it all worthwhile
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Proposal
The way it works in Muslim Culture is that once a guy has an intention of marrying a girl, his family has to call her family and ask for her hand in marriage.
My Fiancé and I decided that we wanted to do things traditionally, because it would bring our family much joy. And I just found it all terribly romantic.
So after he asked me to marry him. Ok that’s a lie. We were hanging out and he said: "If I could marry you now, I would", and I said: "Ok, let's do it"
There was no ring and one knee scenario, but it felt all so perfect. So sincere and uncomplicated. Kind of a testament to our relationship. We have a very relaxed way of relating to each other. Its not dramatic, its just easy going and natural.
Anyway, once we both decided to get married, he went home and told his mum that she needs to make the call to mum to come over for a proposal.
I told my parents that they could expect the call. Our families were obviously extremely happy. We thankfully do not have any family issues. His parents like me and my parents like him.
At this point, I knew that we were lucky, we had a great base for a happy marriage because we have everyone's blessings.
It was a Monday when the phone call happened. My Fiancé sms'd me to say that my mum could expect the call. I was sitting on the couch next to my dad when my mum chatted on the phone to his mum. And I Remember it being extremely bitter sweet. The date was set for that Friday evening for them to come for my hand.
And that was the moment it started.
Enter Family Politics.
Tradition dictates that your grandparents, parents and siblings should be present.
I only have one grandmother left on the planet. My dad's mother. My other grandparents have already left us.
So this means that my parents had to ask their oldest brother. Both my parents only had one brother, so they each asked them to attend. In view of my mother not having her mother around, she asked her oldest sister. So to even the score, my dad asked his oldest sister.
It was all so complicated.
I mean, suddenly you have to have all this diplomacy. Other family members were slightly upset that they were not asked. And the wives of the brothers were not invited so that was a sore subject.
I was trying to figure out why it mattered so much to people to be involved in this?
Friday arrived and I was all made up in a beautiful baby pink and baby blue Panjabi (Indian Dress and pants…Skinny pants of course). It even had sparkly beads on it. I have never shone - literally - in my entire life. I am more a simple elegant type. But I felt like an Indian Bride, and it was pretty cool.
That’s when the freaking out started. I was like: "Oh my God! I am getting married! What if I am making the wrong choice!" etc etc
Eventually I calmed down, and went out to see what everyone was doing.
I was told that by my aunt to sit in my room until I was called. I was like: "Why????"
We already knew each other! It wasn't like it was some weird arranged marriage.
It was made clear to just do as I was told, so I admitted defeat and went to ponder in my room why I had to wait.
On cue, my cellphone rings and its my future husband. I answer and he says: "Babe, I am outside". So I reply, "That’s nice, I was told I cat leave my room, so someone will come get you". He responds by laughing at me and saying "Someone made you do something!".
I hate being told what to do.
Everyone arrives and is introduces and then I am accompanied to the lounge to be introduced to his entourage.
We are then seated separately. Men seated in the dining room. Ladies seated in the lounge.
This was starting to feel like the twilight zone.
Every time I wanted to pull a funny face, I just thought of my pretty hair comb and that made me smile!
So they all talk about pointless stuff. Like whose son is marrying who and which kid went off to university. And which old people are sick or who gave birth. blah blah blah. It was so boring, I almost fell asleep.
Within 5 minutes of being seated on the couch, I had decided this was not an audience that would appreciate my wit and intellect. So I stayed silent, and observed.
My mother and I kept glancing at each other, with that silent language mothers and daughters have. We were both thinking: "These people are so....mundane"
I was asked what I do. I said I work in TV production. I got some blank stares and then asked "Do you work for SABC?"
I replied and explained that I worked for independent production companies and covered all the different broadcasters at some point.
More blanks stares and a drawn out reply of "Oh, I see"
You have to understand, there are very few awe inspiring careers in the Indian community namely:
1 - Doctor (Also includes Dentists, Optometrists, Physiotherapists and speech therapists)
2 - Lawyer
3 - Accountant (As well as anything finance or business related)
4 - Teacher
5 - IT (All areas) which is a recent addition to the list
Forgive me if I forgot something, but let’s just say that Film Makers do not feature. And neither does anything in the Arts with the exception of maybe Journalists.
My Fiancé looked as baffled as me through all of this. He kept signaling to me across the great divide. The plus side is that we have now developed our own version of sign language.
Eventually I had enough, and had to escape for a few minutes, so I said I needed water and would get it myself.
My brother caught me on the way to the kitchen and laughing himself silly told me while I was sitting on the couch, I looked like I was on the menu.
And you know what? That’s how I felt. Like I was on display. What a bizarre experience.
Eventually they all ate their pies, samoosa’s and other fried stuff, followed by cake and teas.
I attempted commenting on a current issue only to get more blank stares. Gave up completely and drank my mango juice, which was really delicious.
So the talking happened and they decided we would have an engagement and my parents would come back with a date.
My mum suggested some photo’s be taken and we finally got to sit next to each other. Everyone took a pic with us and now that we were allowed to be together we chatted about how it weird it all was.
He also told me that he never imagined me wearing something so shiny.
Then his family left
My family argued lightly about a date for the engagement, and then everyone went home.
We both changed our Facebook status to being in a relationship with each other that night. I was not into changing my relationship Status every time I got involved with a new guy. So it had been blank till then.
That was cool moment for me. A commitment. To say, he is my man!
When falling asleep that night, I felt like I was Alice sliding down the rabbit hole
My Fiancé and I decided that we wanted to do things traditionally, because it would bring our family much joy. And I just found it all terribly romantic.
So after he asked me to marry him. Ok that’s a lie. We were hanging out and he said: "If I could marry you now, I would", and I said: "Ok, let's do it"
There was no ring and one knee scenario, but it felt all so perfect. So sincere and uncomplicated. Kind of a testament to our relationship. We have a very relaxed way of relating to each other. Its not dramatic, its just easy going and natural.
Anyway, once we both decided to get married, he went home and told his mum that she needs to make the call to mum to come over for a proposal.
I told my parents that they could expect the call. Our families were obviously extremely happy. We thankfully do not have any family issues. His parents like me and my parents like him.
At this point, I knew that we were lucky, we had a great base for a happy marriage because we have everyone's blessings.
It was a Monday when the phone call happened. My Fiancé sms'd me to say that my mum could expect the call. I was sitting on the couch next to my dad when my mum chatted on the phone to his mum. And I Remember it being extremely bitter sweet. The date was set for that Friday evening for them to come for my hand.
And that was the moment it started.
Enter Family Politics.
Tradition dictates that your grandparents, parents and siblings should be present.
I only have one grandmother left on the planet. My dad's mother. My other grandparents have already left us.
So this means that my parents had to ask their oldest brother. Both my parents only had one brother, so they each asked them to attend. In view of my mother not having her mother around, she asked her oldest sister. So to even the score, my dad asked his oldest sister.
It was all so complicated.
I mean, suddenly you have to have all this diplomacy. Other family members were slightly upset that they were not asked. And the wives of the brothers were not invited so that was a sore subject.
I was trying to figure out why it mattered so much to people to be involved in this?
Friday arrived and I was all made up in a beautiful baby pink and baby blue Panjabi (Indian Dress and pants…Skinny pants of course). It even had sparkly beads on it. I have never shone - literally - in my entire life. I am more a simple elegant type. But I felt like an Indian Bride, and it was pretty cool.
That’s when the freaking out started. I was like: "Oh my God! I am getting married! What if I am making the wrong choice!" etc etc
Eventually I calmed down, and went out to see what everyone was doing.
I was told that by my aunt to sit in my room until I was called. I was like: "Why????"
We already knew each other! It wasn't like it was some weird arranged marriage.
It was made clear to just do as I was told, so I admitted defeat and went to ponder in my room why I had to wait.
On cue, my cellphone rings and its my future husband. I answer and he says: "Babe, I am outside". So I reply, "That’s nice, I was told I cat leave my room, so someone will come get you". He responds by laughing at me and saying "Someone made you do something!".
I hate being told what to do.
Everyone arrives and is introduces and then I am accompanied to the lounge to be introduced to his entourage.
We are then seated separately. Men seated in the dining room. Ladies seated in the lounge.
This was starting to feel like the twilight zone.
Every time I wanted to pull a funny face, I just thought of my pretty hair comb and that made me smile!
So they all talk about pointless stuff. Like whose son is marrying who and which kid went off to university. And which old people are sick or who gave birth. blah blah blah. It was so boring, I almost fell asleep.
Within 5 minutes of being seated on the couch, I had decided this was not an audience that would appreciate my wit and intellect. So I stayed silent, and observed.
My mother and I kept glancing at each other, with that silent language mothers and daughters have. We were both thinking: "These people are so....mundane"
I was asked what I do. I said I work in TV production. I got some blank stares and then asked "Do you work for SABC?"
I replied and explained that I worked for independent production companies and covered all the different broadcasters at some point.
More blanks stares and a drawn out reply of "Oh, I see"
You have to understand, there are very few awe inspiring careers in the Indian community namely:
1 - Doctor (Also includes Dentists, Optometrists, Physiotherapists and speech therapists)
2 - Lawyer
3 - Accountant (As well as anything finance or business related)
4 - Teacher
5 - IT (All areas) which is a recent addition to the list
Forgive me if I forgot something, but let’s just say that Film Makers do not feature. And neither does anything in the Arts with the exception of maybe Journalists.
My Fiancé looked as baffled as me through all of this. He kept signaling to me across the great divide. The plus side is that we have now developed our own version of sign language.
Eventually I had enough, and had to escape for a few minutes, so I said I needed water and would get it myself.
My brother caught me on the way to the kitchen and laughing himself silly told me while I was sitting on the couch, I looked like I was on the menu.
And you know what? That’s how I felt. Like I was on display. What a bizarre experience.
Eventually they all ate their pies, samoosa’s and other fried stuff, followed by cake and teas.
I attempted commenting on a current issue only to get more blank stares. Gave up completely and drank my mango juice, which was really delicious.
So the talking happened and they decided we would have an engagement and my parents would come back with a date.
My mum suggested some photo’s be taken and we finally got to sit next to each other. Everyone took a pic with us and now that we were allowed to be together we chatted about how it weird it all was.
He also told me that he never imagined me wearing something so shiny.
Then his family left
My family argued lightly about a date for the engagement, and then everyone went home.
We both changed our Facebook status to being in a relationship with each other that night. I was not into changing my relationship Status every time I got involved with a new guy. So it had been blank till then.
That was cool moment for me. A commitment. To say, he is my man!
When falling asleep that night, I felt like I was Alice sliding down the rabbit hole
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
The Announcement
I always pictured my life a little differently when all this would happen,
But I think that is because I watch way too much TV, you know where you announce that you are getting married and everyone gets all excited and tells you how amazing it is.
The reaction that I received was slightly different. My friends were naturally happy for me, I guess because they know me,
My work colleagues kind of upset me the most, because I got one of three reactions:
1 - Is the guy rich?
2 - Is it an arranged marriage?
3 - Are you pregnant?
Granted, I had never mentioned said guy before to anyone, but that is because I decided to keep my private life private. And what's wrong with that? I mean how many people are actually friends with the people that they work with?
But it was the comments that led me to wonder what their assumptions were of me, my family and my community.
So I was a materialistic female from a supressed background with whore like tendencies.......I was kind of hurt.I mean, I didnt even get a congrats from most of them.
I realised that regardless of the fact that I was from a open minded family and that I had gone to a good school and a had a University degree, dress like them, talk like them, and go to the same places that they do. I was not one of them.
By them I mean - Not Indian and definately Not Muslim,
Regardless of who I was, suddenly people were asking if I was going to change the way I dress and whether I would carry on working, once I was married.
I was trying to figure it out in my head? Why would you assume I would be any different?
Why was being a certain religion and culture so bad? I mean, my parents are normal people. They just follow a belief, like everyone else.
I am not gonna suddenly wear a veil over my face and sit at home and pop out kids! I was still going to become an award winning director and win an oscar one day!
What upset me even more was the assumption about my future husband. I mean, they judge him without knowing him. Poor guy. He loves how I dress and he supports my career 100%. We just two kids who fell in love.
On the other side of the fence I had the family.
Oh yes, that was another expereince all together
Reactions were:
1 - Finally!
2- So nice, I knew she would find someone eventually
3 - See! Every pot has its lid
4 - We use to pray for her, we so happy she finally found someone
I was all like: so there was something wrong with me all this time? Who knew??
It was as if I had finally achieved something in my life.
No one reacted this way when I graduated? Or when my first show went on air? Or when I got promoted?
It was like I was finally ok.
As I said previously. Cold water. Ice Cold water poured all over me,
I can see the world as it is and its very sad,
Why all this fixation on marriage as some sort of major life changing event?
I thought it was a union of two people that loved each other, saying: "We in this for the long haul"
And so I realised, that I had many challenges ahead of me
But I think that is because I watch way too much TV, you know where you announce that you are getting married and everyone gets all excited and tells you how amazing it is.
The reaction that I received was slightly different. My friends were naturally happy for me, I guess because they know me,
My work colleagues kind of upset me the most, because I got one of three reactions:
1 - Is the guy rich?
2 - Is it an arranged marriage?
3 - Are you pregnant?
Granted, I had never mentioned said guy before to anyone, but that is because I decided to keep my private life private. And what's wrong with that? I mean how many people are actually friends with the people that they work with?
But it was the comments that led me to wonder what their assumptions were of me, my family and my community.
So I was a materialistic female from a supressed background with whore like tendencies.......I was kind of hurt.I mean, I didnt even get a congrats from most of them.
I realised that regardless of the fact that I was from a open minded family and that I had gone to a good school and a had a University degree, dress like them, talk like them, and go to the same places that they do. I was not one of them.
By them I mean - Not Indian and definately Not Muslim,
Regardless of who I was, suddenly people were asking if I was going to change the way I dress and whether I would carry on working, once I was married.
I was trying to figure it out in my head? Why would you assume I would be any different?
Why was being a certain religion and culture so bad? I mean, my parents are normal people. They just follow a belief, like everyone else.
I am not gonna suddenly wear a veil over my face and sit at home and pop out kids! I was still going to become an award winning director and win an oscar one day!
What upset me even more was the assumption about my future husband. I mean, they judge him without knowing him. Poor guy. He loves how I dress and he supports my career 100%. We just two kids who fell in love.
On the other side of the fence I had the family.
Oh yes, that was another expereince all together
Reactions were:
1 - Finally!
2- So nice, I knew she would find someone eventually
3 - See! Every pot has its lid
4 - We use to pray for her, we so happy she finally found someone
I was all like: so there was something wrong with me all this time? Who knew??
It was as if I had finally achieved something in my life.
No one reacted this way when I graduated? Or when my first show went on air? Or when I got promoted?
It was like I was finally ok.
As I said previously. Cold water. Ice Cold water poured all over me,
I can see the world as it is and its very sad,
Why all this fixation on marriage as some sort of major life changing event?
I thought it was a union of two people that loved each other, saying: "We in this for the long haul"
And so I realised, that I had many challenges ahead of me
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
How it all began
Once upon a time my parents packed up their belongings and moved away from the Indian Community into a more affluent suburb.
I was 12 years old at the time
15 years later I met an amazing man who asked me to marry him, I said yes.
Except...........
15 years is a long time period of time and I forgot all about Indian Culture. And Muslim Culture.
It is a weird combination at the best of times. I mean, they don't even know which is which anymore.
But let's just say that it had the same effect on me that one might feel whne standing a beautiful frozen pond looking out at the sunset and suddenly the ice cracks and you plunged into ice cold water.
You see I never really ever thought that it would be such a shock to the system. I had seen my family, visited my grandmother in the Indian Community we had once lived in. Attended all family functions etc. So I thought I was in tune with how it all worked. But in truth I was very much out of it.
So this is my story. Of my Indian Muslim Wedding and how I will survive it.
Because even if no one ever reads it, at least it will keep me sane
I was 12 years old at the time
15 years later I met an amazing man who asked me to marry him, I said yes.
Except...........
15 years is a long time period of time and I forgot all about Indian Culture. And Muslim Culture.
It is a weird combination at the best of times. I mean, they don't even know which is which anymore.
But let's just say that it had the same effect on me that one might feel whne standing a beautiful frozen pond looking out at the sunset and suddenly the ice cracks and you plunged into ice cold water.
You see I never really ever thought that it would be such a shock to the system. I had seen my family, visited my grandmother in the Indian Community we had once lived in. Attended all family functions etc. So I thought I was in tune with how it all worked. But in truth I was very much out of it.
So this is my story. Of my Indian Muslim Wedding and how I will survive it.
Because even if no one ever reads it, at least it will keep me sane
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