Fear? ...............What Exactly??

While I may comment on the bizarre and entertaining aspects of my culture and religion, I have to say that there are certain things that are actually pretty awesome.

The week before my engagement people kept asking me if I was nervous. And I kept saying I was fine.

But the more people asked, the more I kept expecting that this nervous feeling should spring up at any point.

By the time the engagement arrived I was sitting around waiting for it to arrive, but nothing happened.

I prodded different emotions and thoughts trying to get this feeling going, but nothing was happening.

I began feeling like an emotionless freak!

Where were my nerves? Everyone else has nerves!!! I want my nerves dammit! I deserve nerves like everyone else!

I guess it was a case of wanting everything to feel exactly the way people say its going to be.

But that is the thing I has realized about life, things never feel the way it did for anyone else. Every experience is unique.

So I arrive at the engagement and its all delayed and stuff – that is a whole other story. This meant I had to chill at my cousins house till I got the green light. At this point I thought: “oooh, maybe now the nerves and excitement will kick in”

Nothing

I am an alien. I knew it all along. Any minute now my real race will come down in a zen like space ship and take me back to planet “Unruffled”. We will do yoga all day and spend hours meditating. Or maybe they just a bunch of stoners on this planet....

Anyway.........

I was worried. Why was I so calm????????

I got bored of worrying eventually and checked my awesome make up and hair and fluffed my beautiful designer dress. My picture got taken, I posed and had a merry old time.

Finally I arrive, and I am seated on this cool white couch awaiting the arrival of Lemon Sorbet aka My Fiancé.

When I saw him walk in I figured out why I was so calm.

I had nothing to fear. Because I knew he was the one, no doubts, no second guesses.

And part of the reason I had no doubts was because of this event itself.

He was going to put a ring on my finger in front of everyone that meant something to us.

I don’t have to fear he would leave or that it was hoax. I had nothing to fear because he was an honorable man, who is brave enough to say “She is the one” in front of our community, friends and gossip mongers.

He was real. This was real. And I could trust him.

While the one knee and ring scenario is very romantic, this to me; was more romantic.

It was like he had nothing to hide, no deceit, and all his love to share.

Tradition can be so tear jerking sometimes

Some Gifts given at the engagement......there are too many to post all

Photo's from my Engagement

My Engagement

I always imagined that my formal engagement would be a small, simple and elegant affair.

I pictured a luncheon in our entertainment area that leads out to our beautiful pool area.

It would be intimate and fun.

Fat chance!

I forgot that I was Indian.

My Engagement took place in a hall in the Indian area that I came from.

When my parents first told me that they would like to have it there I panicked. I was afraid that somehow I slipping back into a world that completely foreign to me. Its like suddenly Indianville was taking over my life!

I actually cant say I had much control of my mind and emotions at the time. I told my mum that she could do whatever she wanted and I would give her the freedom to do what she wants.

The reason being was that I was not equipped for this, this was not what I wanted all my life.

I decided that even though it was far away, I would get dressed at home. I didn’t want to get done at someone else’s house. I wanted my hairdresser and a make up artist that I liked.

Tradition dictates that the bride and groom exchange gifts. They are not just gifts though, they are sort of gift baskets that are done all beautifully and set out on boards, with all sorts of decorations and covered in cellophane.

Our mothers agreed to do it at the engagement. I had no involvement in it because my mum asked my aunt to do it.

I was sad that she did not do it for me. She had done all my cousins gifts and made the most beautiful things I had ever seen. My aunt did a good job and I appreciated her hard work but I will always wish my mum had the time to it for me. She is my mother after all, and she is my whole world.

My Dad’s family really helped us out with the planning. They went above and beyond to make it beautiful. Especially my aunt that did the gifts.

While it was so strange to be thrown into Indian Culture again, I was also touched by how amazing my family was.

Looking back I am so glad that my parents did what they did and had such a beautiful event.

It was great fun! I felt like a princess and there is no more pomp that having 100 people there when you receive your engagement ring.

Who needs a candle lit dinner for two! We had the most posh event when we got engaged

Sometimes culture is not so bad

The lead up to the Engagement

The reason that I had to mention Ring Choosing Day and what it meant to me is because the next few weeks were really tough.

The planning of the engagement had commenced.

I gave my mum the freedom to do as she pleases. Because I trust mum and I know that she has great taste.

However it seems that everyone wanted to be involved suddenly and I let it be. I mean, I don’t mind that people want to get involved.

It was just that I so use to it being just me and my mum. Whenever there was any event at our house, we did it together.

It was overwhelming how excited everyone was about me getting engaged.

All this made me realize that no matter how I felt about things, or how I viewed life, or even what I stood for.

To the community I came from this was the biggest moment of my life, and they all wanted to be apart of it.

It’s strange but everyone wants a piece of the excitement.

I also know that I upset certain individuals. I mean how dare I ruin their favourite piece of gossip????

You see, I was 27 years old. And in Indian terms I was no longer even on the shelf. I was in the expiry bin!

And to add to it, I travel around the country with men! Alone!

I even stayed on my own for a while.

In other words, I was not the good muslim girl that decent boys marry.

And here I go and marry a guy from a good family. Who is also oh so handsome (Well to me anyway)

This was definitely a case of them getting egg on their face.

The sad truth was that I couldn’t even enjoy this tiny victory. The reason being that I just found it all so sad.

I don’t even find myself that interesting! And here I was the new topic of conversation and suddenly everyone wanted to know all the details of how we met etc

And here I was wondering how a simple conversation one Sunday night could cause so much to happen.

I suddenly understand why some people elope

Ring Choosing Day

The date for my engagement was set for three weeks after the proposal.

My Fiancé and I were so excited about finally getting engaged.

It was scary and nerve wrecking but so fulfilling.

We had our first major fight in that time, and the best part about that fight was that we managed to work through it, and experienced our first compromise. I realized that this was what marriage is about. You have to learn that it was not about putting one partner’s needs before the other, but meeting each other half way.

And that is about as soppy as it got for those three weeks with the exception of the happiest day of a girls life.

Ring Choosing Day!

It happened the day after our big fight, we had not planned on the fight but we had planned to visit the jeweler.

Being the over organized freak that I am, I chose a design of a ring and would show it to the jeweler. My ring was going to made with diamonds that he inherited from his granddad.

It was probably the best day of that entire period.

Whenever people upset me in those three weeks, I just thought of that day. And it got me through.

I guess that is what life is about, no matter what happens there are always those happy moments that make it all worthwhile

The Proposal

The way it works in Muslim Culture is that once a guy has an intention of marrying a girl, his family has to call her family and ask for her hand in marriage.

My Fiancé and I decided that we wanted to do things traditionally, because it would bring our family much joy. And I just found it all terribly romantic.

So after he asked me to marry him. Ok that’s a lie. We were hanging out and he said: "If I could marry you now, I would", and I said: "Ok, let's do it"

There was no ring and one knee scenario, but it felt all so perfect. So sincere and uncomplicated. Kind of a testament to our relationship. We have a very relaxed way of relating to each other. Its not dramatic, its just easy going and natural.

Anyway, once we both decided to get married, he went home and told his mum that she needs to make the call to mum to come over for a proposal.

I told my parents that they could expect the call. Our families were obviously extremely happy. We thankfully do not have any family issues. His parents like me and my parents like him.

At this point, I knew that we were lucky, we had a great base for a happy marriage because we have everyone's blessings.

It was a Monday when the phone call happened. My Fiancé sms'd me to say that my mum could expect the call. I was sitting on the couch next to my dad when my mum chatted on the phone to his mum. And I Remember it being extremely bitter sweet. The date was set for that Friday evening for them to come for my hand.

And that was the moment it started.

Enter Family Politics.

Tradition dictates that your grandparents, parents and siblings should be present.

I only have one grandmother left on the planet. My dad's mother. My other grandparents have already left us.

So this means that my parents had to ask their oldest brother. Both my parents only had one brother, so they each asked them to attend. In view of my mother not having her mother around, she asked her oldest sister. So to even the score, my dad asked his oldest sister.

It was all so complicated.

I mean, suddenly you have to have all this diplomacy. Other family members were slightly upset that they were not asked. And the wives of the brothers were not invited so that was a sore subject.

I was trying to figure out why it mattered so much to people to be involved in this?

Friday arrived and I was all made up in a beautiful baby pink and baby blue Panjabi (Indian Dress and pants…Skinny pants of course). It even had sparkly beads on it. I have never shone - literally - in my entire life. I am more a simple elegant type. But I felt like an Indian Bride, and it was pretty cool.

That’s when the freaking out started. I was like: "Oh my God! I am getting married! What if I am making the wrong choice!" etc etc

Eventually I calmed down, and went out to see what everyone was doing.

I was told that by my aunt to sit in my room until I was called. I was like: "Why????"

We already knew each other! It wasn't like it was some weird arranged marriage.

It was made clear to just do as I was told, so I admitted defeat and went to ponder in my room why I had to wait.

On cue, my cellphone rings and its my future husband. I answer and he says: "Babe, I am outside". So I reply, "That’s nice, I was told I cat leave my room, so someone will come get you". He responds by laughing at me and saying "Someone made you do something!".

I hate being told what to do.

Everyone arrives and is introduces and then I am accompanied to the lounge to be introduced to his entourage.

We are then seated separately. Men seated in the dining room. Ladies seated in the lounge.

This was starting to feel like the twilight zone.

Every time I wanted to pull a funny face, I just thought of my pretty hair comb and that made me smile!

So they all talk about pointless stuff. Like whose son is marrying who and which kid went off to university. And which old people are sick or who gave birth. blah blah blah. It was so boring, I almost fell asleep.

Within 5 minutes of being seated on the couch, I had decided this was not an audience that would appreciate my wit and intellect. So I stayed silent, and observed.

My mother and I kept glancing at each other, with that silent language mothers and daughters have. We were both thinking: "These people are so....mundane"

I was asked what I do. I said I work in TV production. I got some blank stares and then asked "Do you work for SABC?"

I replied and explained that I worked for independent production companies and covered all the different broadcasters at some point.

More blanks stares and a drawn out reply of "Oh, I see"

You have to understand, there are very few awe inspiring careers in the Indian community namely:

1 - Doctor (Also includes Dentists, Optometrists, Physiotherapists and speech therapists)
2 - Lawyer
3 - Accountant (As well as anything finance or business related)
4 - Teacher
5 - IT (All areas) which is a recent addition to the list

Forgive me if I forgot something, but let’s just say that Film Makers do not feature. And neither does anything in the Arts with the exception of maybe Journalists.

My Fiancé looked as baffled as me through all of this. He kept signaling to me across the great divide. The plus side is that we have now developed our own version of sign language.

Eventually I had enough, and had to escape for a few minutes, so I said I needed water and would get it myself.

My brother caught me on the way to the kitchen and laughing himself silly told me while I was sitting on the couch, I looked like I was on the menu.

And you know what? That’s how I felt. Like I was on display. What a bizarre experience.

Eventually they all ate their pies, samoosa’s and other fried stuff, followed by cake and teas.

I attempted commenting on a current issue only to get more blank stares. Gave up completely and drank my mango juice, which was really delicious.

So the talking happened and they decided we would have an engagement and my parents would come back with a date.

My mum suggested some photo’s be taken and we finally got to sit next to each other. Everyone took a pic with us and now that we were allowed to be together we chatted about how it weird it all was.

He also told me that he never imagined me wearing something so shiny.

Then his family left

My family argued lightly about a date for the engagement, and then everyone went home.

We both changed our Facebook status to being in a relationship with each other that night. I was not into changing my relationship Status every time I got involved with a new guy. So it had been blank till then.

That was cool moment for me. A commitment. To say, he is my man!

When falling asleep that night, I felt like I was Alice sliding down the rabbit hole