Tupperware

Today something strange happened

I requested a Tupperware Catalogue, and then I looked through it with much glee and enthusiasm, until I realized what I was doing.

I then froze and sat silently for a few seconds.

I looked down at my body, and everything looked intact.

I took out my mirror, checked my face……I really need to get my eyebrows shaped…..but everything is as it should.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

I had not morphed into a Samoosa Making Indian Aunty.

Then I closed the catalogue and did a few minutes of introspection.

It appears that no matter where you live, or what you experience, or how smart and posh you may think you are. All Indian woman will order expensive Tupperware Containers when getting married.

You see in an Indian household, there are usually too separate sets of plasticware.

There is the cheaper, bought in bulk, no name variety that you can store all you leftover food in. And there is always leftovers. These also work for any Masala, Marinades and spices.

Of course you should not forget the ones you use to freeze stuff. Indian woman prepare an assortment of food stuff and stick it in the deep freezer.

The deep freezer is also a must for an Indian woman. In fact they should just give you one when they give you your wedding ring.

Anyway, the second variety of plasticware is the original Tupperware. These pricey plastic beauties are very precious to an Indian Woman and are used mostly for cakes and biscuits.

If anyone dares to put food in it, they will suffer a long and excruciating death for the destroying Tupperware with curry……..

You also do not place the customary package of food that you present your guests with, when they leave an actual Tupperware container. In fact, this is why all butter and margarine containers are washed and kept, so that you can give your guest food to take home without loosing plasticware.

My mum keeps two separate cupboards for her differing plasticware. And this is when I realized: “Hey, I need some of these for my house”. So I e-mailed one of my friends that sells the stuff and asked for the catalogue.

We know where that lead……….

Not to go against the rules of Indianism. My Tupperware friend is married and has a son. It is like a private club for married woman.

I can’t believe that instead of buying the pair of black boots I want, I am going to “invest” in Tupperware.

You really can’t escape culture!

The Queen Bee

My mother has become a kind of Queen Bee.

You see whenever she attends any family event, all the other women buzz around her now and ask her questions about how the wedding planning is going.

These events include funerals. Yes. Funerals…….

Funerals are like any other Indian event for those that are not grieving or sincere, because you still adhere to the following rules:
1. You show up – because if you don’t you become a subject in the gossip circles for not being there when the family needs you
2. You wear the latest fashion – the Islamic cloaks come with a variety of embroided and beaded patterns these days.
3. You make sure everyone hears about your husband and children’s latest successes. Good PR is always important
4. You get the dirt on others
5. Express sympathy for the poor grieving family and discuss how they going to cope and relay details of the death to everyone that arrives. Do this with your best hushed voice to seem very torn up about it. Throw in a story about you and the dead person.

These rules only apply to those that are not actually particularly sad that the person died because they hardly know them anyway.

So yes, even at a funeral, people ask my mother about how the plans are going for the wedding.

In Indian standards she now holds a high seat in the hive.

I have brought home the honey and she is now a successful member of society.

My Fiancé isn’t really like honey though, I would say he more lemon sorbet. Sweet with a hint of sharp tang, yet refreshing and addictive.

Just like I like them, just enough bad boy so that I don’t develop an acute case of narcolepsy.

My mum is bit of a reject, because she doesn’t follow the rules very well. Except the fashion part. But then she is always fab, so it’s just natural for her to be up to date.

However times have changed, suddenly everyone has something to talk to her about. So they can squeeze all the details out of her.

It seems that weddings in Indianville is the height of social acceptance.

I am not sure my mum likes being a queen bee, she prefers peace and quiet. So the buzzing tends to get on her nerves.

My Engagement

I always imagined that my formal engagement would be a small, simple and elegant affair.

I pictured a luncheon in our entertainment area that leads out to our beautiful pool area.

It would be intimate and fun.

Fat chance!

I forgot that I was Indian.

My Engagement took place in a hall in the Indian area that I came from.

When my parents first told me that they would like to have it there I panicked. I was afraid that somehow I slipping back into a world that completely foreign to me. Its like suddenly Indianville was taking over my life!

I actually cant say I had much control of my mind and emotions at the time. I told my mum that she could do whatever she wanted and I would give her the freedom to do what she wants.

The reason being was that I was not equipped for this, this was not what I wanted all my life.

I decided that even though it was far away, I would get dressed at home. I didn’t want to get done at someone else’s house. I wanted my hairdresser and a make up artist that I liked.

Tradition dictates that the bride and groom exchange gifts. They are not just gifts though, they are sort of gift baskets that are done all beautifully and set out on boards, with all sorts of decorations and covered in cellophane.

Our mothers agreed to do it at the engagement. I had no involvement in it because my mum asked my aunt to do it.

I was sad that she did not do it for me. She had done all my cousins gifts and made the most beautiful things I had ever seen. My aunt did a good job and I appreciated her hard work but I will always wish my mum had the time to it for me. She is my mother after all, and she is my whole world.

My Dad’s family really helped us out with the planning. They went above and beyond to make it beautiful. Especially my aunt that did the gifts.

While it was so strange to be thrown into Indian Culture again, I was also touched by how amazing my family was.

Looking back I am so glad that my parents did what they did and had such a beautiful event.

It was great fun! I felt like a princess and there is no more pomp that having 100 people there when you receive your engagement ring.

Who needs a candle lit dinner for two! We had the most posh event when we got engaged

Sometimes culture is not so bad

My "Family Boy"

I am marrying a “Family Boy”

I love this term, it makes me laugh.

You see back in India there is a little village, and guess what? My man and I can both be traced back to that exact village.

In fact, we are actually kind of related on my Dad’s Mother’s side of the family.

It makes me feel weird when I think about it, because he is like a distant cousin or something, but then I realize that all Muslims are related because they have been doing these weird business transactions for eons.

You know what I mean? The whole, I marry your daughter to my son because its good for business.

Thankfully society has evolved somewhat since then, and majority of people marry for love. Like my parents. Who still love each other very much till today.

When I met my Fiancé, I had no idea that he was a “Family Boy”. I just looked at him and thought, hmmm, nice lips. And those eyes, oh my word!

It wasn’t all lust, he was also nice to talk to and easy to get along with, even if he did lie and tell me that he likes sushi when he so doesn’t!

On our first date I just knew I was going to marry him. It’s one of those things that you cannot explain to anyone. You just know, and for the first time in my life I had no doubts that this was it.

I am not saying that he is perfect or our relationship is perfect, it’s just a case of I am willing to go through the tough times with him.

But maybe luck was on my side because he was also the type of guy that I should have been marrying anyway.

When we found out with this weird relationship between our families that spans many decades, we laughed.

It was highly ironic. Me. The girl that so far removed from conforming to any ideal had in fact done something that people wanted me to do anyway.

This pissed the Gossip Mongers off further. Because I was never “Marriage Material”, so how did I get so lucky?

And all I have to say is: “Get over yourself!”

I would marry this man even if he was a Chinese pheasant who couldn’t even grow a good crop of rice.

Because, who his family is does not define who he is.

We both have values and beliefs that are our own. And we are connected by these values and beliefs.

The lead up to the Engagement

The reason that I had to mention Ring Choosing Day and what it meant to me is because the next few weeks were really tough.

The planning of the engagement had commenced.

I gave my mum the freedom to do as she pleases. Because I trust mum and I know that she has great taste.

However it seems that everyone wanted to be involved suddenly and I let it be. I mean, I don’t mind that people want to get involved.

It was just that I so use to it being just me and my mum. Whenever there was any event at our house, we did it together.

It was overwhelming how excited everyone was about me getting engaged.

All this made me realize that no matter how I felt about things, or how I viewed life, or even what I stood for.

To the community I came from this was the biggest moment of my life, and they all wanted to be apart of it.

It’s strange but everyone wants a piece of the excitement.

I also know that I upset certain individuals. I mean how dare I ruin their favourite piece of gossip????

You see, I was 27 years old. And in Indian terms I was no longer even on the shelf. I was in the expiry bin!

And to add to it, I travel around the country with men! Alone!

I even stayed on my own for a while.

In other words, I was not the good muslim girl that decent boys marry.

And here I go and marry a guy from a good family. Who is also oh so handsome (Well to me anyway)

This was definitely a case of them getting egg on their face.

The sad truth was that I couldn’t even enjoy this tiny victory. The reason being that I just found it all so sad.

I don’t even find myself that interesting! And here I was the new topic of conversation and suddenly everyone wanted to know all the details of how we met etc

And here I was wondering how a simple conversation one Sunday night could cause so much to happen.

I suddenly understand why some people elope

The Proposal

The way it works in Muslim Culture is that once a guy has an intention of marrying a girl, his family has to call her family and ask for her hand in marriage.

My Fiancé and I decided that we wanted to do things traditionally, because it would bring our family much joy. And I just found it all terribly romantic.

So after he asked me to marry him. Ok that’s a lie. We were hanging out and he said: "If I could marry you now, I would", and I said: "Ok, let's do it"

There was no ring and one knee scenario, but it felt all so perfect. So sincere and uncomplicated. Kind of a testament to our relationship. We have a very relaxed way of relating to each other. Its not dramatic, its just easy going and natural.

Anyway, once we both decided to get married, he went home and told his mum that she needs to make the call to mum to come over for a proposal.

I told my parents that they could expect the call. Our families were obviously extremely happy. We thankfully do not have any family issues. His parents like me and my parents like him.

At this point, I knew that we were lucky, we had a great base for a happy marriage because we have everyone's blessings.

It was a Monday when the phone call happened. My Fiancé sms'd me to say that my mum could expect the call. I was sitting on the couch next to my dad when my mum chatted on the phone to his mum. And I Remember it being extremely bitter sweet. The date was set for that Friday evening for them to come for my hand.

And that was the moment it started.

Enter Family Politics.

Tradition dictates that your grandparents, parents and siblings should be present.

I only have one grandmother left on the planet. My dad's mother. My other grandparents have already left us.

So this means that my parents had to ask their oldest brother. Both my parents only had one brother, so they each asked them to attend. In view of my mother not having her mother around, she asked her oldest sister. So to even the score, my dad asked his oldest sister.

It was all so complicated.

I mean, suddenly you have to have all this diplomacy. Other family members were slightly upset that they were not asked. And the wives of the brothers were not invited so that was a sore subject.

I was trying to figure out why it mattered so much to people to be involved in this?

Friday arrived and I was all made up in a beautiful baby pink and baby blue Panjabi (Indian Dress and pants…Skinny pants of course). It even had sparkly beads on it. I have never shone - literally - in my entire life. I am more a simple elegant type. But I felt like an Indian Bride, and it was pretty cool.

That’s when the freaking out started. I was like: "Oh my God! I am getting married! What if I am making the wrong choice!" etc etc

Eventually I calmed down, and went out to see what everyone was doing.

I was told that by my aunt to sit in my room until I was called. I was like: "Why????"

We already knew each other! It wasn't like it was some weird arranged marriage.

It was made clear to just do as I was told, so I admitted defeat and went to ponder in my room why I had to wait.

On cue, my cellphone rings and its my future husband. I answer and he says: "Babe, I am outside". So I reply, "That’s nice, I was told I cat leave my room, so someone will come get you". He responds by laughing at me and saying "Someone made you do something!".

I hate being told what to do.

Everyone arrives and is introduces and then I am accompanied to the lounge to be introduced to his entourage.

We are then seated separately. Men seated in the dining room. Ladies seated in the lounge.

This was starting to feel like the twilight zone.

Every time I wanted to pull a funny face, I just thought of my pretty hair comb and that made me smile!

So they all talk about pointless stuff. Like whose son is marrying who and which kid went off to university. And which old people are sick or who gave birth. blah blah blah. It was so boring, I almost fell asleep.

Within 5 minutes of being seated on the couch, I had decided this was not an audience that would appreciate my wit and intellect. So I stayed silent, and observed.

My mother and I kept glancing at each other, with that silent language mothers and daughters have. We were both thinking: "These people are so....mundane"

I was asked what I do. I said I work in TV production. I got some blank stares and then asked "Do you work for SABC?"

I replied and explained that I worked for independent production companies and covered all the different broadcasters at some point.

More blanks stares and a drawn out reply of "Oh, I see"

You have to understand, there are very few awe inspiring careers in the Indian community namely:

1 - Doctor (Also includes Dentists, Optometrists, Physiotherapists and speech therapists)
2 - Lawyer
3 - Accountant (As well as anything finance or business related)
4 - Teacher
5 - IT (All areas) which is a recent addition to the list

Forgive me if I forgot something, but let’s just say that Film Makers do not feature. And neither does anything in the Arts with the exception of maybe Journalists.

My Fiancé looked as baffled as me through all of this. He kept signaling to me across the great divide. The plus side is that we have now developed our own version of sign language.

Eventually I had enough, and had to escape for a few minutes, so I said I needed water and would get it myself.

My brother caught me on the way to the kitchen and laughing himself silly told me while I was sitting on the couch, I looked like I was on the menu.

And you know what? That’s how I felt. Like I was on display. What a bizarre experience.

Eventually they all ate their pies, samoosa’s and other fried stuff, followed by cake and teas.

I attempted commenting on a current issue only to get more blank stares. Gave up completely and drank my mango juice, which was really delicious.

So the talking happened and they decided we would have an engagement and my parents would come back with a date.

My mum suggested some photo’s be taken and we finally got to sit next to each other. Everyone took a pic with us and now that we were allowed to be together we chatted about how it weird it all was.

He also told me that he never imagined me wearing something so shiny.

Then his family left

My family argued lightly about a date for the engagement, and then everyone went home.

We both changed our Facebook status to being in a relationship with each other that night. I was not into changing my relationship Status every time I got involved with a new guy. So it had been blank till then.

That was cool moment for me. A commitment. To say, he is my man!

When falling asleep that night, I felt like I was Alice sliding down the rabbit hole

The Announcement

I always pictured my life a little differently when all this would happen,

But I think that is because I watch way too much TV, you know where you announce that you are getting married and everyone gets all excited and tells you how amazing it is.

The reaction that I received was slightly different. My friends were naturally happy for me, I guess because they know me,

My work colleagues kind of upset me the most, because I got one of three reactions:
1 - Is the guy rich?
2 - Is it an arranged marriage?
3 - Are you pregnant?

Granted, I had never mentioned said guy before to anyone, but that is because I decided to keep my private life private. And what's wrong with that? I mean how many people are actually friends with the people that they work with?

But it was the comments that led me to wonder what their assumptions were of me, my family and my community.

So I was a materialistic female from a supressed background with whore like tendencies.......I was kind of hurt.I mean, I didnt even get a congrats from most of them.

I realised that regardless of the fact that I was from a open minded family and that I had gone to a good school and a had a University degree, dress like them, talk like them, and go to the same places that they do. I was not one of them.

By them I mean - Not Indian and definately Not Muslim,

Regardless of who I was, suddenly people were asking if I was going to change the way I dress and whether I would carry on working, once I was married.

I was trying to figure it out in my head? Why would you assume I would be any different?

Why was being a certain religion and culture so bad? I mean, my parents are normal people. They just follow a belief, like everyone else.

I am not gonna suddenly wear a veil over my face and sit at home and pop out kids! I was still going to become an award winning director and win an oscar one day!

What upset me even more was the assumption about my future husband. I mean, they judge him without knowing him. Poor guy. He loves how I dress and he supports my career 100%. We just two kids who fell in love.

On the other side of the fence I had the family.

Oh yes, that was another expereince all together

Reactions were:
1 - Finally!
2- So nice, I knew she would find someone eventually
3 - See! Every pot has its lid
4 - We use to pray for her, we so happy she finally found someone

I was all like: so there was something wrong with me all this time? Who knew??

It was as if I had finally achieved something in my life.

No one reacted this way when I graduated? Or when my first show went on air? Or when I got promoted?

It was like I was finally ok.

As I said previously. Cold water. Ice Cold water poured all over me,

I can see the world as it is and its very sad,

Why all this fixation on marriage as some sort of major life changing event?

I thought it was a union of two people that loved each other, saying: "We in this for the long haul"

And so I realised, that I had many challenges ahead of me

How it all began

Once upon a time my parents packed up their belongings and moved away from the Indian Community into a more affluent suburb.

I was 12 years old at the time

15 years later I met an amazing man who asked me to marry him, I said yes.

Except...........

15 years is a long time period of time and I forgot all about Indian Culture. And Muslim Culture.

It is a weird combination at the best of times. I mean, they don't even know which is which anymore.

But let's just say that it had the same effect on me that one might feel whne standing a beautiful frozen pond looking out at the sunset and suddenly the ice cracks and you plunged into ice cold water.

You see I never really ever thought that it would be such a shock to the system. I had seen my family, visited my grandmother in the Indian Community we had once lived in. Attended all family functions etc. So I thought I was in tune with how it all worked. But in truth I was very much out of it.

So this is my story. Of my Indian Muslim Wedding and how I will survive it.

Because even if no one ever reads it, at least it will keep me sane